I just can't take it anymore. I've been sick this week, and it's just
one thing after another. No matter what, I haven't done enough. So why
bother?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Game Play

Some weeks (or months?) ago, I was sitting on the train on my way to
work when I noticed that the gentleman sitting next to me, who must
have been at least in his sixties, was playing BrickBreaker on his
blackberry. He was at a level I have never seen, and his score was
really, really high. I've been trying to beat my own high score
(forget about getting anywhere near his) ever since then, but I'm not
doing too well.

I'm also having a lot of trouble with newspaper sudokus, which used to
be a snap.

On the plus side, ken-ken is my friend.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Moving

In a moving-on-with-life-despite-not-really-knowing-where-my-life-is-heading sort of way, I've started rethinking the future. And one thing that I am 100% sure is not in the immediate future is staying in my current apartment in the boondocks. Some of the reasons we're still there are (1) it's far, far cheaper than the rent anywhere I would actually want to live and (2) we didn't have to sign a year-long lease (weird contract thing; once the original lease year ended, which happened in May, our landlord let us keep the place on a month-by-month basis, so basically, if we pay the rent, we can stay, and there's no lease broken if we leave). Also, (3) moving is expensive and hard work, and I just didn't have the energy to think about it. Reasons 1 and 3 are self-explanatory, and reason 2 was important because when thinking seriously about imminent divorce, one doesn't want to be stuck living in the middle of nowhere simply because one can't break the lease. However, I've been convinced that these are not good enough reasons to stay: one can find the money and energy to make a positive change, and if I'm happier with where I'm living and the stress of my insane commute go away, there is the possibility that other stresses will subside as well. Mothers-in-law notwithstanding. And if in the end we do split up, I can either pay the penalty for breaking the lease or just continue to live in the apartment, since at least it will be in a place I'm happier living in.

So I've been looking at apartment listings. I've also been looking at house listings, because one of my favorite things to shop for is furniture (no, not clothes. I'm weird like that.) and to buy furniture, one ought to have a place to put it. I saw the greatest dining room set this week - and so reasonable! But I don't have a formal dining room to put it in. I also saw a master bedroom set that I like much better than the one I bought last year, but my husband likes the one we have, so that's worth something. I couldn't stand the one he picked, so at least we're both okay with the one we have.

Anyhow, apartment shopping is troubling. I mean, I knew that no matter what, I'd end up paying a higher rent than our current rent - no matter which neighborhood we move to, closer to the city is more expensive than the boondocks - but I guess I'm still a little sticker-shocked. No, not sticker-shocked: it's not like the prices are that much more than I was expecting (well, in one neighborhood, they are), but I'm not sure how we can afford to do this. Either we have to compromise on size, or we're literally doubling our rent. We currently have a small two-bedroom, which works great - I definitely need space, or at least doors to close sometimes. Also, the second bedroom doubles as a home office, which is very convenient to have. The apartments I'm looking at ($500-$700 more than our current rent) are all one bedrooms, and that's a good deal. I don't think I could survive living in a studio with another person, no matter who that person was, so a one bedroom is the absolute minimum. A junior four (which is like one and a half bedrooms) would be great. A two bedroom is looking pretty much out of the question. But in this case, location is more important than square footage. But I definitely need a raise.

And a vacation.

I Need Alcohol

Family party - my husband's cousin is getting married. And I'm finally
starting to get the mother-in-law jokes. My mother-in-law is a sweet,
well-meaning, incredibly loud, annoying, and forceful person. And
tonight, I was all for being smiley and pleasant and utterly
inattentive, but someone seated me next to her. And just when I'm
starting to feel like maybe I can make this work with her son, I'm
starting to feel that she can still kill the whole thing, just by her
blind arrogance at how wonderful she is for introducing her son to me.
Little does she know, and I've always been a fan of keeping people in
ignorance when knowledge can only hurt them. But right now I want to
hurt her, so she'll just shut up. But I know I would regret that.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Practical

I'm thinking about just being practical. So what if I'm not in love? Who's to say I'd do any better a second time around? The guy I'm married to is a really nice person, and he's crazy about me (or was, before all the therapy), and he's incredibly good with kids, and I can go on vacation with my friends. Other than the core of the marital relationship, which I think is my problem and not his, and which I have no way of knowing if it would be better with someone else.