A Tale Told by an Idiot

What's the opposite of gourmet?

2012-01-12T11:52:00.003-05:00

Food is boring. I've mentioned that before, but it hit me again. I've been telling myself off for not cooking real food anymore; I usually eat something quick (like grilled cheese), pre-made (ie. frozen), or take-out. The quick options are fairly limited, and I've been assuming that the reason I'm bored by my food is that I keep eating the same foods. But let's be honest: there are only a limited number of foods I eat, regardless. It's really the preparation method that keeps them interesting, right? Grilled chicken is different from baked chicken is different from barbeque chicken.

Wrong. My recent MO when cooking myself chicken for dinner has been pretty standard: heat up a pan, saute some onions, cut the chicken into strips or cubes, add whatever vegetables I have in the fridge (or freezer), season with garlic and soy sauce. Mmmm, tasty. Fairly healthy, too.

But last night I went out on a limb and cooked the chicken with a fancy set of exotic spices and a drop of sauce. I don't know what was in the sauce; I didn't make it. But it was yellow. And it was delicious. And today, I am eating the leftovers for lunch. And it takes exactly the same as the leftovers from my usual chicken "stir-fry". Just with fewer vegetables, so it's less healthy, I suppose.

Darn. I thought cooking would make food more interesting. Turns out I was wrong.

Balance

2011-12-29T07:53:00.002-05:00

I was about to write a whole post on the conflicting feelings in my life - how 2011 has been both wonderful and frustrating - but I just had a conversation with a coworker about the idiocy of publicly posting things that could come back to bite you. So I won't go into detail, I suppose. But I still want to vent a little frustration. A look at the recent items in the major areas of my life:

School has been tough this semester. On the plus side, I think I'm handling the stress better than I could have a year ago, so it means my emotional state is improved. But on the negative side, the semester is just dragging on, and I have no idea how to finish my remaining project. I don't want a lousy grade, and I'm a pathological perfectionist, so I can't just give up if the professor is willing to give me an extension. But I don't really want an extension; I just want to get it over with. And while I want an A - because who doesn't? - I'm fairly sure that's out of reach even if I do spend the entire winter break working on this project. I don't think there's a shot at all that I can actually solve the problem. Between bad exam grades and an unfinished project, I think I can only negotiate so much based on effort. Sure, I think the professor made the exams unfairly difficult and assigned an impossible project without providing any resources or guidance. But the thing is - in the world of academia, the professors can do pretty much what they want. In theory I could take it up with the department chair, but I don't think there's a point. This has been going on for years, and I think the department won't do a thing about it. I just want to fill the requirement and move on. Graduate. I'm really looking forward to having a graduate degree.

Professionally, I wish I were making more money, and sometimes I wish I felt more appreciated at work. But the truth is that there are definitely people here who do appreciate me, and I've started enjoying my coworkers company more than I used to. Maybe it's that some of the new people are just more my type, or maybe it's that the new upper management is working really hard to make things "fun" - and shockingly, I find that the socializing at work is actually accomplishing what management wants: it's more pleasant to work with people if you know that they can have fun, too. And I've been making sure that I keep developing myself and my professional credentials, even without financial backing from my employer. The lack of that financial support is upsetting, especially when they used to pay for a lot of these things for other people. I know, I know: it's the economy, stupid. And while it's frustrating that policies have been put in place to make these changes seem to be about something other than money, I know that that it's really just the money. I can understand tight budgets. I can live with this. So that's a plus for this year, overall.

My family life is great; everyone is happy and healthy, and I have all sorts of family commitments to attend. Time and energy draining, yes. Absolutely. But I know how blessed I am to be among so many people who I love and who love me. I might be worn out from the holidays, but it's a good type of worn out. And I have some wonderful friends, too; I am so grateful to give to and receive from so many wonderful people. There are definitely times when I question my purpose in life and wonder if my long-held beliefs can really stand up to the pain I've been feeling for the past few years. Having good friends and family doesn't actually help with that; it only makes it more painful to know that if I make bad decisions, I am hurting more than just myself. It keeps me from exploring certain options, for fear of hurting other people. But I hope that it's a worthwhile balance: to accept certain limits in exchange for having so much in my life that's good.

I have to continue keeping that in mind as I move into 2012. Here's hoping that the next year brings more blessing, more peace of mind, and more strides toward a more fulfilling life - for me as well as for all of you.

Productivity

2011-12-06T07:24:00.002-05:00

Things are good right now.

Work is relatively calm. School is under control, although I have more to do in the next three weeks than I would like, and I have to figure out what my thesis will look like so that I can graduate in May. I have a few unexpected professional and educational expenses coming up in the next few months, and I would love to figure out a way to get my job to pick up the tab on at least one of them, but so far, no dice. Theoretically, no policy exists against contributing to my graduate tuition, but the reality is that whatever justification I write for the courses I plan to take, someone will reject it as not sufficiently job-related. Also, it's now against policy to spend on anything related to acquiring a professional license. (Can anyone explain that policy? IMHO, training related to my professional license is VERY MUCH JOB-RELATED.)

My social life is still pretty much non-existent, but thanks to an email hacker a couple of weeks ago, I have heard from a number of old, silent friends. There is a silver lining even to having your privacy invaded. :) And I had a good weekend where I met a couple of interesting people. Nothing earth-shattering, but it reminded me that if I actually go outside of my apartment on weekends, there is a possibility of meeting people who I might actually want to spend time with.

NaNoWriMo was amazing. This year, for the first time ever, I actually won. I just passed the 50K mark at 11:25pm on 11/30, but winning is winning. Oh, I told myself that I had won before, back when winning meant "meeting whatever goal you choose to set for yourself", but it wasn't really true winning. This was. I wrote 50,000 words in one month, and the NaNo validator agreed. It is a great feeling. And the best part is that it's not over. I don't hate what I wrote. One of the last pep talk emails said something about how when you really get into writing a story, the characters start to live inside your head, and you enjoy spending time with them, and you should use that enjoyment as your spur to keep writing them and polish them into something beautiful. Well, guess what? It's true! These characters have taken on lives of their own, and they just keep going. Spending a month sleeping, eating, and daydreaming about them has given them this amazing ability to become fully developed. They have done things that I didn't expect, and their backstories have self-adjusted in ways I didn't plan. But the story is getting better, and I'm finding that the simple act of writing helps solve the problems that used to stop me from writing, like being unable to decide what comes next. I've found a technique that seems to be working for me, and I'm loving it. A little bit of thanks goes to MS Word 2010, which has much better navigation features than the older versions, but I think I am also starting to see the appeal of the creative writing software that gives you places to put thoughts and snippets within the project. I would like to have some virtual post-its for my writing. And I'm not forcing myself to keep writing, but I find that every so often in the last few days, something will come into my head, and I'll just have to do something to the current manuscript (did I just say "manuscript"?) to improve it or add to it the brilliant insight I just had. I haven't been churning out words like I did last month, but I also haven't let the thing die. I am so proud of myself, and I am hoping that I can keep the novel alive and growing over the next couple of months.

I am almost at a point where I am going to be looking for beta readers for it, to let me know if I should even consider it publishable, but I'm not quite there. I'm going to need people that I don't really know, so I don't have to feel embarrassed about the way my imagination works; I don't think I could live with my family or friends knowing that I think this way. They know I like and read fantasy, but most of them have no idea what that means and they would totally not enjoy reading what I wrote. I think I may have to find a writers' group for fantasy writers and try that. But I have enough on my plate for the next few months, between school and work, and so my novel will stay out of the public eye until at least the end of May.

It would be so amazing to finish my degree, my license, and my novel all in the same year. Good luck to me for 2012!

Nano

2011-11-14T10:14:00.002-05:00

Well, it's November, and I'm a-noveling. This year is so much less stressful than last November, and I feel like I'm making good progress. Of course, I'm more than 10,000 words behind par,
but I had midterms the first week of November. I'm working feverishly to make up lost time.

Like last year, goal is to write a complete unit. Unlike last year, I feel like I've selected a more manageable plot. I tried to take on a whole epic plot, but I failed, probably because I'm much better at exposition than at conflict. This year, I've managed to make the exposition a better story, enough to be a whole story on its own. I can leave the rest of the epic for a sequel. :)

I've heard many times that writing is easier in a font you like. I don't think that's entirely true: I'm fine in Arial, even though that doesn't really match the story. But I finally realized that part of the problem I'm having in telling my story is that there are two main characters, and I like to tell different parts of the story in different voices. And using different fonts makes it seem like that's planned - which it is - rather than just an inability to hold onto the narrator's perspective. And once I changed the font for one of them, I'm starting to think the other one also deserves a properly-chosen font.

I'm really having fun with this. You can follow my progress at http://nanowrimo.org/en/participants/toldbyanidiot/novels/no-title-yet205/stats

--
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What's more annoying?

2011-09-15T21:16:00.001-04:00

Laundry or homework?

Discuss.

--
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Details

2011-09-08T08:41:00.002-04:00

I don't feel particularly interesting today, but there's actually quite a lot going on.

Work is mostly sorting itself out. I don't want to detail that online, but it continues to be frustrating, but just below the line that would be worth making a big deal to management. I get to keep dealing with this for the duration, then, with no hope of improvement. But at least the project is still moving.

School is complicated. I registered for two classes. The college changed the time of one of them - without notifying the students - and guess what? Now it's at the same time as my other class. Luckily, the professor has been very understanding and offered to videotape the lectures for the affected students. However, so far, I haven't been able to figure out how to get a copy of the video of the first lecture. And the system didn't work this week, so there won't be a video of the second lecture. Etc. I figured it was worth staying in the class, since it's required, but this is getting more complicated than I had hoped. Oh, well. I will deal with it, but complicated is not so fun.

Life is going pretty well, otherwise. I had a wonderful vacation, and while I haven't yet had time to deal with the photos (and there's a lot of pressure from people who want to see my pictures, but they don't want to see all 200o of them), that's a fun task. Slow, but fun. I love making photobooks. Also, I'm finding some purpose in my long and painful journey by helping a friend who seems to be having a related problem. That's time and energy invested, but I think it's in a good cause. And also . . . *drumroll, please* . . . I said yes to a blind date that my sister-in-law suggested. We'll see where that goes.

The other constant in my life is food. Food has gotten incredibly boring. I eat the same thing over and over. This is a problem, because I've gotten lazy about cooking, so my choices are either changing my time management so that I can start cooking again, or going the expensive route and buying more takeout. Neither option is particularly appealing at the moment. Any suggestions for better nutrition with minimal kitchen time?

Reporting

2011-08-31T19:54:00.001-04:00

Just got back from vacation.
Vacation was wonderful.
Work is frustrating.
School is weird.
More info may follow when I have a full-sized keyboard, if I remember.

--
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Stress Management

2011-07-25T09:25:00.002-04:00

I've discovered the secret to responsibility without stress: you just have to stop caring. Now, I know that sounds irresponsible and negative, but it really isn't. I still care about my job, and I am willing to do everything that I physically and legally can to meet my obligations. It's just that I've come to terms with the fact that some things are completely out of my control, and that stressing over them accomplishes nothing. For example, if I have a co-worker who plays a vital role in meeting a deadline, and that person is a prima donna who isn't going to do her part, no matter how much cajoling or complaining I do, and there's no one else who can do what she needs to do, then we're just not going to meet the deadline. My only choice in the matter is how to handle it: do I tattle to my boss on who is really holding things up, or do I, as project manager, shoulder the responsibility for something that I can't manage? Do I stress out about missing the deadline, or do I shrug and say philosophically that this is just how things are?

I admit that I have trouble understanding how people who are obviously intelligent enough to do their jobs just don't take the professional pride to act in a professional manner. And by that I mean - if you're not going to do something, say so, so at least someone else can do it. Heaven forbid I should mean actually doing the job you're supposed to do to help the team succeed.

I sound bitter. I'm not. Well, I was a little bitter, but I've gotten over it. I've lowered my expectations, and I'm going to do the best I can with what I have, knowing full well that it won't be enough. I have people on my support team who don't do their jobs and people in upper management who make commitments on my behalf without consulting me, and they call me a "manager" and pretend it's a great career stepping stone. There is no way to succeed, so I'm going to stop worrying about it and just do the best I can with what I can do. And I keep in mind that it's a job and the reason I do it is for the paycheck every two weeks. And I remember that there are still some parts of my job where I do feel like I work with people who care about what they're doing and where my contribution actually matters and is appreciated, and I try to focus on that, even though it's not my main responsibility.

I find that I'm feeling somewhat numb. That's not positive or negative, but it does indicate to me that I need a change, or at least a vacation. Luckily, I have a vacation scheduled in a few weeks, so I'm holding out as well as I can for now.

Numbness permeates into my non-work life. I keep thinking about trying more actively to get back into dating, or any semblence of a social life, but I just can't bring myself to bother. I keep thinking that there are so many jerks out there that I would have to weed through to find anyone vaguely worth pursuing, and I don't want to put myself through that. But loneliness is also no fun, and even though I like my own company, there are things you want to do with other people. And I love my family, but sometimes I feel like a tagalong in other people's lives. I want to be living my own life, not riding along on someone else's. But sadly, that too is something that is out of my control, so I maybe I need to stop caring there too.

Sorry, Mr. X!

2011-05-02T21:04:00.001-04:00

Feeling guilty:
Someone asked me, "Does this train stop at _th Avenue?"
"Yes," I answered, "but going the other direction."

Except that this train stops at two stops with the same name: one in
Brooklyn and one in Manhattan. I had forgotten about the Brooklyn one,
but that was probably what he meant, since he poked his head onto the
Brooklyn-bound train. I hope he doesn't end up wasting a lot of time
or hopelessly lost. :(

I feel really bad. I hope he asks someone else less tired before he
gets on the wrong train. My sincere apologies for the misinformation;
it was not intentional.

--
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Oatmeal, Careers, and Blind Dates

2011-03-29T06:55:00.006-04:00

I'd like to shout out to Jes, whose BetterOats giveaway has provided me with a month of free oatmeal. I'm on my third flavor now, and it's certainly appreciated, since the winter doesn't seem to want to let go of us. We had snow - snow! - two days last week. So thanks, Jes! My quick review of BetterOats (since you can't participate in a promotion without reviewing the product, can you?) is good overall. I like the flavors; they've interesting enough to encourage me to branch out from tried and true maple-and-brown-sugar. (Actually, that's this morning's flavor, so we'll see how they stack up to Quaker and Sturm's soon. The oats in this one are smaller than in the previous two flavors - Cinnamon Plum and Blueberry Muffin - which makes me feel somehow like it won't be as good.) I dislike that they are best made in the microwave, since at work, I have an electric kettle but no microwave, although I think the measuring cup pouches are an adorable idea. And re Blueberry Muffin - the at-home microwave method is definitely better than the at-work kettle method. Decide for yourself if the difference is due to preparation or locale. It works okay with the kettle, as long as I let it sit a while to absorb all the liquid. (Note to Jes: I haven't been able to comment on your blog anymore; the comment link has gone missing. I have a feeling it's just me, since other people are commenting. I hope winning a giveaway doesn't forever deny me access to your blog.)

Work has gotten stressful, more stressful than any oatmeal can make better. I got reassigned to a nice, simple, straightforward project with a single client, and I thought it would be a great opportunity to showcase my skills to upper management as a stepping stone to bigger and better things. Turns out, the thing was a ticking time bomb. The old project manager got out just in time: just a few short weeks after I got "full responsibility during this transition period" (whatever that means), the budget blew all to hell, which means the schedule is shot, since we have to fix the budget before we can go on. But despite my newness to the project and the fact that it's not my fault, it's still my responsibility. Joy. So we do our best and try to focus on other exciting things.

Like midterms, which are coming soon to a classroom near me. More joy. But I chose to do this, and I'm happy I'm doing it. And one day in the not-too-distant-future, I'll have my Master's degree and I'll be happy I have it. I've started tentatively reaching out to see if I can maybe get a trial teaching job at a college near where I live, and if that works out, I'd be really happy. If it works out really well, I can think about a whole career change, but for now, I'd settle for one night class, just to try it out. If nothing else, teaching will introduce me to a whole new social scene, and my social life could certainly use some improvement. I wouldn't say I'm a shut-in, but between early mornings at the office and late nights at college, I wouldn't say my social life is particularly rich or meaningful. Sure, I interact with people at both those places, but I need to have a social life that involves fun things, not just necessary things. I'd love to get involved at a college near where I live, because I think that the faculty and students likely also live nearby, and that would give me more of an investment in the neighborhood. And since I like where I live, I'd like to actually meet people locally. (I know, I know, just sign up for local yoga or pottery making or something. But I need a push to do any of those things, and I'm always so *tired*. Ugh, I'm boring myself.)

So to expand my social life and hopefully integrate some fun into it, I'm starting to think about dating again. My divorce should be coming through fairly soon, no thanks to the painfully slow legal system or my not-particularly-confidence-inspiring lawyer, but even more importantly, I think I may finally be at the emotional stage where getting back in the game would do more good than harm. I'm not 100% recovered emotionally, but I'm not sure how I'll get to that point, other than trial and error.

I read an article last week on blind dates - something about how it's insane that otherwise intelligent, independent people are willing to go on them, and something about "triumph of hope over experience". Now, I'm not sure I agree with the first half of that, since it seems that matchmaking services are at least as popular with intelligent, independent people as any other type of dating service, but the second half is probably true. What is humanity other than hope? We're constantly hoping against logic and experience that things will be better than we deserve or expect - and sometime, they are! And I know plenty of people who married people they met on blind dates. Even if you include my own failed marriage, I know plenty of successful marriages that started from blind dates. Anyhow, they also said that all blind dates should be limited to 45 minutes, just in case. Now that's a concept I've been trying to get people to agree to for a while. You want me to meet this guy who's just perfect for me? That's lovely; thanks for thinking of me. I'd be delighted to meet him for lunch or after work for a cup of something at Starbucks. I'm not so thrilled about having to get all dolled up and give up an entire evening on a gamble - what if turns out to be a very bad idea? Even if he's not a jerk, those are three or four hours I'll never get back. If he turns out to be incredible, we'll make a second date and go from there. If I never want to see him again, why waste both of our time? So here's to hope and to Starbucks. And to finding myself in a better place.

Note to self: for maple-and-brown-sugar, stick to Sturm's or Quaker. So far, for BetterOats, Blueberry Muffin rules!

Spring Forward

2011-03-15T07:52:00.001-04:00

Ah, spring. The change of seasons, the cool, crisp air with a hint of
warmth to come. We start to enjoy the ability to run outside without
bundling up, blissfully pretending not to remember how soon the mild
days will become the blistering heat of summer. We plan to enjoy the
longer days, waking up with the sun already risen...

No, wait. I still have to get up before sunrise. I think I got about a
week of walking to the train with the sun beginning to peek through
the night sky, but no more. Thanks to this strange thing we call
"Daylight Savings Time", I still wake up to darkness. Ugh. Why do we
do this to ourselves? The confusion, the lost hour of sleep, but worst
of all, prolonging the winter morning darkness. It's making me feel
all out of sorts, forcing me back on caffeine to make it into the
morning with a slightly clearer head than without. Is it that my body
clock hasn't adjusted yet, or is it the onset of spring allergy
season?

Ah, spring. Everyone's favorite season.

--
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Flavor

2011-02-14T13:11:00.002-05:00

Every so often, I understand the draw of salad dressing. I'm not a fan of vinegar or mayonnaise, so that kind of rules out salad dessing for me. Usually, I can get enough flavor out from the salad ingredients or occasional seasonings to make the salad palatable. Well, no, usually, I don't bother with salad at all. But I'm trying to eat better, and therefore, I'm occasionally eating salad for lunch.

Today is one of those days where the salad is just plain boring. Despite the seasoned breadcrumbs and the grilled chicken, which I presume is also seasoned, the salad is just incredibly boring. Still not enough to make me pour on the vinagrette it came with, but enough to understand why someone would.

Applied Stress Analysis

2011-02-09T09:17:00.002-05:00

Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful and pleased to have the opportunity to expand my professional experience and develop my project management skills. I just wish I had a less challenging group to work with. I can't even say this is my first time managing a project, but last time, I had just me on the project side and a fairly competent person on the contract side. Difficult contractor, but at least my own team was on the same page. This time, I have an incompetent project person as support, which actually makes things harder than having no support, and a very sensitive contract person who may or may not turn out to be competent. I've gotten to this almost zen place where I just don't care about the process anymore. Don't tell me what you've done; you've been telling me for months. Just tell me the task is complete. I'm no longer interested in the steps or minor progress; it's not progress: it's resolving the stupid issues that you created either by incompetence or by stubbornness. I just want to hear that it's done, complete, finished. Usable. The intermediate steps are meaningless.

And yes, next time, I'll do it myself. But it feels like all that training on communication and interpersonal skills and leadership was a total waste of time.

Old Habits Die Hard

2011-02-02T17:18:00.003-05:00

The new semester is upon us. I was going to take only one class this time, to reduce my stress levels, but yesterday morning, on a whim, I registered for a second one. (Which reminds me - I have to go pay for that. Soon, soon.) I was planning to start a yoga program, and I still want to do that. That was supposed to be my "second course" for the semester, but now I'll have to find a different time that works. Lunch hour would be good, if I could find a yoga studio near my office that has a women's-only class during lunch hour. Unlikely, but I'm looking. Otherwise, I will have to find an evening for this. My back pain has been increasing, and my figure is not what I want it to be. I *will* get the yoga thing started, if only by DVD at home. I will.

Overcommitted, anyone?

Oh, also, I figure I should start thinking about dating again. The problem for me with dating is that I just want to get my feet wet, not find true love. Maybe sort of reconvince myself that love could possibly be out there, but not get back into any sort of long term, serious relationship right now. And that's kind of tough in my circles. I just want to meet a nice guy who doesn't want anything from me except half an hour of my time to share a cup of coffee. Or in my case, tea. But he can have coffee if he wants. I'll pay for my own tea, too. Not a date, then. Just for coffee. I'm thinking I should start a non-dating website: meetme4coffee.com. But I'm just a workaholic, not an entrepreneur.

Disconnected

2011-01-19T10:39:00.001-05:00

Work is frustrating again. I've been transferred to a new project,
which is a good thing, really: (a) it keeps me from getting bored (b)
the building is easier to get to and (c) I'm getting to be a project
manager again, which hopefully will translate into a promotion in the
not-too-distant future. However, since it's a small project (the type
they give people without very much PM experience), it has less capable
staff. Normally, I'd just do everything myself, but they've changed
our systems and structures to include more checks and balances by
requiring more people to be involved on every little thing. Great idea
if everyone pulls their weight. Impossible if someone refuses to do
anything and therefore holds up the whole project. So right now, I'm
sitting in someone's cubicle while he types up a document I asked him
for two weeks ago. It feels like a waste of my time, but it's the only
way to get him to do it, and I can't write it because I wasn't present
at all the meetings. Argh! And this guy is going to be my backup for
the whole project. Joy. He's a really nice guy, but hopelessly
inefficient and computer illiterate. Also, apparently not much good at
time management. No wonder he hasn't made it to PM.

Also, I bought new boots. They're warm and furry and supposedly
weather-resistant. They're also a half size too big, to leave space
for socks. However, they must have thought about that themselves,
since even with an extra pair of socks, they're still too big. So my
foot keeps sliding over the embroidery on the inside bottom, and it's
irritating my poor feet.

Also, there's a lot of snow and not enough skiing.

Also, I have a headache.

--
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Writing

2011-01-10T19:06:00.002-05:00

You may (but probably won't) remember that my first ever foray into the world of blogging came at the end of a winter break between semesters of college. I think that my writing bug never quite goes away, but it needs a little breathing room. Here I am between semesters again, and the writing bug is back. I'm coming to terms with its never becoming what I hoped it would be: I always wanted to write fiction, but that really doesn't come easily to me, and I find that when I force my writing, it's not worth reading. I have to write what I know, and that means non-fiction. Opinion, yes. Narrative, yes. But swashbuckling tales of high fantasy, much as I might enjoy reading them, seem outside my writing abilities. I'm okay with that, mostly. I may never write that novel, but I'd actually be okay with turning out a series of halfway decent magazine columns. I just want to write things that people want to read.

I haven't been blogging much, mostly due to stress, but at least partly due to lack of ideas for what to write about. Of course, that too is due to stress: it's easier to find subject matter when you can view the world with a contented eye. So it seems that going back to school had at least part of the intended effect: now that I'm on break, I've had my first idea for an article since . . . well, a long time ago. I haven't been able to write the article, though I've started it, in my head and on paper. It just doesn't want to come out. But that's okay too: good writing only comes after a lot of bad writing. The key is to keep writing, as so many writers and writing teachers will tell you.

So I'm going to try to get back into blogging, at least as long as the between-semester break lasts. I've got multiple blogs to support at this point, each tailored for a different type of reflection or opinion, so my best efforts to increase my writing output may not translate directly into more posts here. We'll see how it goes.

Funnily enough, it's not just the writing bug that parallels that winter of five or six years ago (has it really been that long?). It's the impulsiveness with my online identity. I've been as careful as I can to maintain my anonymity, despite a couple of intentional - and possibly some unintentional - slips. But today I came across the blog of a guy that I'm halfway tempted to break my online anonymity for. I know you're supposed to be paranoid about people on the internet, but I'm so tempted to fly out to Chicago and ask this guy out to dinner. Not necessarily on a date; he's just sounds like someone I'd like to get to know. I don't really want to get into another relationship right now, but it's nice to read about someone who could be worth it. Is that hope?

Scattering Words

2011-01-06T06:58:00.003-05:00

I've been having trouble focusing this week. I was talking to someone at work about this, and her opinion was that vacation followed by a blizzard/work at home leads to a relaxed mind and a difficult transition back to 6am commutes. She has a point. I hope that's all it is. This time of year, I always feel a little older than I am.

But at least I've been having thoughts. I was inspired by last week's snow (and the unbelievably lackluster job the city did in cleaning up after it) to write an article that I would try to sell to the same magazine that published one of my articles back in 2008. Yes, it's been that long since I did any writing that wasn't work or blog related.

So yesterday I started writing it, and I got three paragraphs on the screen. They were awful, but I would have kept going - if I could have. The words just wouldn't come. I guess I was lucky to get even those three awful paragraphs out. I didn't save them, though. They weren't worth remembering. It's a shame - I still think it would be a good article if I could just find the words that would say what I want to get across. I love writing, but sometimes, the muse refuses to whisper.

Maybe this disappointing writing exercise contributes to my anger about the new Mark Twain editions being released by Alan Gribben, although probably not. I think George Orwell has more to do with it than my difficult week at the keyboard. I'm upset, afraid, worried by this modern interpretation of an American classic. It smacks of censorship. How dare anyone have the audacity to alter someone else's work and rerelease it as if it were the original - or worse yet, as an improvement. If Mr. Gribben wants to release a version of Huckleberry Finn that is word for word the same as Mark Twain's, with the exception of selected word replacements, then frankly, I think he should put his own name in the author's place, and not put words in someone else's mouth. (He should probably then be sued for copyright infringement and/or defamation for stealing so wholesale from another author's work.) Mark Twain wrote what he meant to write, and people reading work from another era have to understand it in the context to which it belongs. If they find it offensive, they shouldn't read it. Or they can read it and criticize it - that's their right. But I don't think that people have the right to change it.

Yes, I get a little bit upset by modern interpretations of Shakespeare, too, but I can understand it better in theater, where so much of the experience is the performance. In a way, the script is secondary in theater, so the production team has more of a license to reinterpret how the play is presented. I'd still be upset if they strayed from the script, but I wouldn't be upset if they twisted the presentation to mean something that one might not normally take from simply reading the play. For example, I just saw The Merchant of Venice on Broadway (and Al Pacino was indeed wonderful, as was most of the cast, with the exception of the guy who played Bessanio), and I would have been more offended if the director would have tried to soften the derogatory references to Shylock as a Jew than I was by Shakespeare's politically incorrect writing. And I don't think that the fact that Mark Twain wrote more recently than Shakespeare should have any bearing on the situation: both wrote in the vernacular of their time. If someone wrote The Merchant of Venice today, I'd say it was inappropriate. If someone said that it was inappropriate to perform that play in today's cultural climate, I'd understand that well. But to rewrite someone else's work so that you can study it in its revised form? Not only do I think it's wrong and presumptuous and somehow un-Constitutional, I don't even understand why one would want to do that. But then, I've never been a fan of reading anything in translation. (Note to self: learn more languages!) Only the author has the right to choose his words, and altering the classics is simply shameful.

WAH

2010-12-27T13:29:00.002-05:00

Thanks to our friendly NY winter weather, going to the office today wasn't even an option. It's highly unusual for train service to be suspended, but I have an El out here, so it's not so strange. Lots of snow.

So I'm at home today. Working from home is always nice. I love sitting on the couch with my laptop. I'm cold, though. I guess they don't provide as much heat during the day as they do at night. Also, the windows are drafty. Total waste of our natural resources, but the landlord doesn't seem to care. At what point do I take my complaining from leaving voicemails to withholding rent?

I also need to restock my kitchen. Unfortunately, the lack of a decent grocery store in near proximity to my apartment makes me prefer the frozen pizza already in my freezer to getting some fresh food. I really should go buy milk, fruit, other healthy things. But I am too lazy (and cold), so it'll have to wait until I'm out anyway. Probably till tomorrow; I can't work from home every day (much as I might like to).

Not Dead Yet

2010-12-24T09:05:00.001-05:00

Hi, the few and faithful (that's you, Deals).

I do still exist. Things have been busy, I guess, or maybe I just
haven't had the writing bug. Let's catch you up.

I got through a very stressful first semester back in engineering
school. I took two classes; one professor was wonderful and the other
one ... wasn't. Towards the end of the semester, I started revising my
opinion of him a little, but it was still super-stressful. Both
classes were a ton of work (surprise, surprise), and every spare
moment was homework-time.

I didn't really do anything much of note during the semester: just
work and school.

As soon as finals were over, I left for a short Caribbean cruise (my
first cruise ever) and finally did something I've wanted to for a long
time: horseback riding on the beach. It was nice, if not as exciting
as I'd imagined. (I'd always thought of galloping in the surf, kicking
up sand and waves. This was more of walking into the water, standing
there for a few minutes, and walking out.) But I'm glad I got this
checked off my bucket list. I'm sitting in the airport right now
waiting for my flight home.

I'm working on rekindling a desire to date - I definitely felt the
lack of couple-hood on the cruise, and it's not fun to be single - but
I don't want to push myself back in just for the sake of not being
single. That's what I did last time, and it didn't work out so well. I
need to want to be in a relationship, with all that entails.
Unfortunately, my experiences over the last two years with
relationships and with therapy have destroyed my confidence in both.
So I'm hoping that time will be a healer, I suppose. Not sure how
that's supposed to work.

Here's hoping the next year will bring better things. For all of us.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Updates

2010-09-21T07:07:00.004-04:00

My anonymous "friend in the blog world" tells me to find the things that will make me happy and just do them. That will help me find meaning.

It's a little bit ironic, though, that I wrote the post that elicited that comment on September 5. I'll admit even I was surprised when I checked the post date after I read the comment. You see, I was going to respond with a list of all the (somewhat impulsive) things I've done over the past couple of months that were just because I felt like it: I splurged on a luxury trip to Europe, I enrolled in grad school, I moved to a nicer (although smaller) apartment, I've been on two business trips, both combined with a bit of tourism. I've tried new chocolate. And grad school? It certainly takes up time. I'm plenty busy. Last night, I was so tired I actually slept five hours without waking up in the middle. And since I've been dealing with insomnia for about two years now, that was a pretty big deal. Anyhow, September 5 was after the trip to Europe, both business trips, the move, and the start of school. So I'd already been doing the things that I think will make me happy, but it seems none of those things was enough to address the need for meaning.

That's probably because none of the things I've done is particularly meaningful. Yes, I love to travel, and I love to see new places. But there's no particular higher goal that travel serves. Same for grad school - I don't actually need another degree, so I can't even pretend that getting one will serve a higher purpose, the way I could with my first degree. And while it would be nice to pretend that chocolate is a higher purpose in and of itself, I think we'd all admit that actually, it's not. Sadly, chocolate is just chocolate.

I could pretend that getting a new program off the ground at work is meaningful - it certainly is for the industry I'm working in. There's something exciting about pioneering new techniques and technology, and I'm proud to be involved in changing an inefficient system. That's a purpose.

But ultimately when I talk about purpose, I mean a purpose to my life. I sincerely hope that the ultimate purpose of my life is something greater than pioneering new technology. I've always tried to keep religion out of this blog, but ultimately purpose has to address my relationship with G-d. If G-d created me, there was a reason why. I used to think I had a good idea of how my talents could best be used to serve my community and G-d, and some of that is what led me into a very bad marriage with a very good person. I'm having trouble reconciling the fact that what I thought would be a good use of my talents - and thus bring fulfillment and happiness in knowing that I am making the best use of the gifts I have - made me completely miserable. That has shaken a lot of pillars for me - religious assumptions, but also (or including) the way I look at the world as a whole and my place in it. I'm having to rethink my relationship with G-d and with other people, and I'm trying to figure out the point of all the things I used to think were important and defining about myself and my responsibilities.

I'm still working on that. I don't know that I'll ever get back to where I was in my faith and my sense of purpose, but different doesn't always mean worse. In the meantime, yes, I'm doing the things I enjoy. It keeps me busy and fills my days. And for now, I will let being busy distract me from not feeling fulfilled.

Meaning

2010-09-05T13:18:00.001-04:00

What used to fill my need for purpose before I spent all my energy
surviving a painful marriage? I feel so empty and pointless now.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Stalkerish

2010-07-14T10:49:00.001-04:00

I've got a weird feeling in the pit of my stomach.

I've been debating for a while whether to delete my Facebook account.
About half of my FB friends are my ex-in-law family. Still nice
people, but it's kind of uncomfortable. I don't want to comment on
their pages anymore, and I'm not sure I want them to see my statuses
anymore. But I don't want to unfriend them and appear, well,
unfriendly. And it's kind of interesting still to hear what's going
on. I've liked these people for two years now.

Today, two of my ex-sisters-in-law posted thanks to my ex for turning
them on to a website that I introduced him to. Not that I need credit
for it or anything, but it made me feel weird. I'd so love to post a
"you're welcome" on their statuses - I think it would be funny - but I
also think it would be weird and they'd find it uncomfortable. So I'm
not going to post anything, but still - any opinions?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Entertainment

2010-05-26T11:28:00.002-04:00

I grew up in a mostly non-TV family. When I was a little kid, we watched a little bit of TV (I remember Care Bears and Mr. Rogers), but by the time I hit middle school, TV had become something that was watched surreptitiously at friends' homes or at the occasional motel during school vacation. There was the occasional movie rental, too. But no TV, for the most part. I still don't own a TV at home.

But thanks to the glory of the internet and the wonders of Hulu, I am watching more TV now. It's probably not that great for my brain, but since my attention span has shrunk to resemble that which people say a gnat has, I guess the pleasure I used to get from reading has decreased.

Anyhow, when I started watching TV to compensate with fantasy for my own misery, I couldn't understand why good shows got cancelled. After all, they're good, right? I'm not talking about cancelled after 10 seasons; I can understand that the networks need change. But after 2 seasons? Clearly, it was good enough for a second season - what happened?

But now I'm realizing. Take Chuck, for example. I loved that show through Season 1 and 2. I still like it, but now I have it sitting in my queue, and I don't watch it. I know that while I'm watching it, I'll enjoy it and I'll laugh and I'll care about the story, but it just doesn't draw me enough for me to choose to watch it. There are one or two other shows of which the same is true: when I do put it on, I enjoy it, but I always wait until I have nothing else to watch and I'm really bored. I just hope that I haven't lost my ability to enjoy a thing long term. I don't want to become a bored person.

Alone

2010-05-25T21:17:00.002-04:00

There have been some serious changes in my life recently: the misery that was my marriage is officially over. It's not legal yet, but it's very, very final. And, strange as it seems, it's a good thing. There are lots of uncomfortable moments, and I'm not looking forward to reentering the meat market, but overall, this is good. I'm not entirely sure I want to jump back into socializing any time soon, but the pressure is tremendous.

That said, I'm enjoying being alone. I like having my own apartment, even if I don't like the apartment. I've got a painfully long and boring to-do list, but there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I've got some good bottles of wine sitting in the pantry. If I'm still somewhat depressed from all this and I start drinking wine alone in a dark apartment, will I be adding "alcoholic" to "divorcee" in the eyes of the watching society matrons?

ConnEd?

2010-05-13T08:04:00.004-04:00

Has anyone heard anything about electricity rates rising? When I got my ConEd bill last month, it had jumped by about $35 from my usual, but I thought maybe that was just catchup on the last few months, when the bill said "estimated reading". Since last month there was an actual meter reading, I wrote it off as their underestimating my usage for a bit and now I'm having to pay. But this month it went up again - $11 - and the usage was down from the last bill (although still higher than the six months preceding). This makes no sense to me - I was home less this past month, since I've been away a bunch of weekends, which is generally my heaviest usage, since I'm at work all day. I can't seem to find any information on rate increases that should be quite that large, and I'm suspicious that there's something wrong with either the meter or the readings.

Service Cuts

2010-04-29T07:25:00.002-04:00

Two posts on the MTA in two days? I guess I just need to vent, but I actually feel pretty strongly about this.

Service cuts? Lowering security? Getting rid of cleaners and maintenance people? This is how the MTA is proposing to save money and balance their budget? Isn't that like Johnson & Johnson cutting back on Band-Aid production or Kleenex no longer making tissues? The way to improve cash flow is not by destroying the product. The way to improve cash flow is to reorganize the production line and the back office. How about if we cut the executive lineup, or the free transit benefits to the family and friends of anyone and everyone in the city who might possibly have some vague political connection to the transit authority? For goodness sakes, save what's good! Cut what's bad! Am I missing something?

New York Minute

2010-04-27T07:12:00.002-04:00

I don't know if this will hit anyone's radar, but I've got to get it out there anyway. Today's Metro has a piece titled "MTA to track down keys". The piece says that the MTA is planning to spend over a million dollars to change the locks on emergency gates, since people may be evading the fare using illegally copied keys to these gates.

People who want to evade fares don't need to illegally copy keys to the emergency gates. Firstly, the gates are unlocked a lot of the time. Secondly, I've seen plenty of people - adults included - jump turnstiles or crawl under them. A much better plan would be to have people - station attendants, cops, whoever - watching out: fear of being caught is a much bigger deterrent than a locked (or unlocked) gate. If people are too expensive, which is sad but true, then beef up the security system with better cameras and intercoms. Maybe use electronic locks that can be opened remotely by someone in a service center, whoever is supposed to be answering the customer assistance telephones. Rekeying manual locks won't solve the problem: anyone determined to get a key will probably get one.

And meanwhile, taxpayers and straphangers are getting hit with tax increases and fare increases and increasingly dirty stations. I'll grant that at least recently the service seems to be okay, relative to my expectations from the system. We need some business-minded people in MTA leadership: someone who can figure out how to make the century old monster a little more efficient without wasting money on silly gestures.

Bad Day

2010-03-18T16:27:00.002-04:00

I hate when I do something stupid. It's even worse when I know it's stupid while I'm doing it, and I do it anyway. I'm blaming it on stress.

We had a very heated two and a half hour meeting this morning. It was about a relatively stupid matter (although it was a necessary thing to figure out): stupid because no matter which decision was made, the actual outcome of the whole issue would be the same. The difference was in nuance - mostly a technicality, mostly semantics. And you know me, right? I have an opinion on semantics. I always have an opinion.

However, I didn't really care which way the decision went. I know which answer I think makes more sense, but I don't actually care if it goes the other way. I just wanted to get my opinion on the record and then let the higher-ups make the decision and go along with it. So why couldn't I stop talking? Why did I argue for my position? Why did I say I wouldn't sign the recommendation (even though I won't)? Why didn't I just not sign it when it came? Why make an issue of it before you absolutely have to?

Somehow, I couldn't stop myself. Once I'd declared a position, I defended it. I do this at home, too. It's not a good thing. It's something I recognize needs to be worked on. The work and life stress are feeding on each other, and not in a good way.

By lunch, I was all keyed up. I went shopping and bought a coat. Then I ate two rows of milk chocolate with M&M's in it.

I'm feeling a little better now, but how do I repair my reputation as being a team player?

Spring

2010-03-12T07:11:00.003-05:00

Spring is here in all its glory. Last night, I found a spider in my bed. This morning, a cockroach in the kitchen sink. Ah, spring. How thou bringst out my murderous instincts. Making me a better, more well-rounded person.

I'm sick of myself being a whiny, boring nothing. Yes, I've had a very rough two years, but really, it's largely my fault. Why can't I make things work? But even accepting that I can't, does failure in one arena of life mean I am a failure overall? Why am I letting myself slip into failure-hood? I keep criticizing my husband for not going after any goals/dreams for the future, but who am I mad at? Him or me? I have dreams; I have goals - and I'm not going after them. Yes, I have all these - highly valid - excuses, but if I'm really this ambitious, capable, talented woman, why am I not finding creative ways around the issues holding me back? So it's not financially feasible to quit my job and go to school full time (although I wonder if I couldn't possibly make it feasible) - so that's a dream on hold. What about my dream - held since I was 14 - to get a book published? That's an investment of time, not money, and I keep complaining how boring I am at night, sitting on the couch doing nothing once the dishes are washed. Why am I not writing? I have the time. I don't have the motivation, the energy - but why am I not creating those? Why am I letting myself become so boring and lethargic? Yes, I've done things I'm proud of in the past, so I don't feel like I'm a pathetic ne'er-do-well, but why am I resting on my laurels? Why am I not continuing to grow and explore and develop? If my big dreams are too big for me to deal with in my current high-stress state, why am I not working on smaller dreams - like my book review blog?

This month is a crazy busy month for me at work, and I know I could use that as an excuse not to get started right now. I'm working late all the time, and I haven't a minute to spare during the day (hahaha - what am I doing right now?). But instead of explaining why it's too hard to take on a project this month, how about if I take it on - and if I manage to get anywhere with it, I can prove to myself that I do have the will and the energy to make it happen.

Update: In the past hour, I've put up a first stab at that book review blog I mentioned. It's not linked to this website or this username, so I won't make it public here, but if you're interested, shoot me an email and I'll send you the link. I've got to say that writing a review is harder than I thought. I've only put up one so far, but it wasn't that easy to get a concise review formulated. Oh, well. Practice is the key.

Incident report

2010-02-24T22:52:00.001-05:00

All this happened today after I left the office:
1) My federal tax return was rejected and needs to be refiled.
2) I lost my almost-new monthly MetroCard. 3) My eye doctor sent me a
bill that is higher than it should be. This is the same office that
misfiled my claim last year and cost me $130.
4) I got a bill from a collection agency for a debt that isn't mine
but is linked to my old phone number. I dealt with this with the phone
company in September, but now I can't find any written confirmation
that they cleared the account, so I may have to start all over.

I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow.

--
Sent from my mobile device

And yet, I can't give it up

2010-02-23T08:06:00.001-05:00

The problem with letting texting/email/VM become your main form of
communication is that you lose the art of small talk.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Bookworm

2010-02-18T06:48:00.000-05:00

I keep a list on my blackberry of all the books I want to read. Well,
maybe not all, but it's grown into a pretty lengthy list. What I've
noticed, though, is that most of the entries are just authors' names
by now, without any books mentioned. I keep an author on the list even
after I've read the associated book if I liked the writing enough to
be willing to try pretty much anything I see with that author's name
on it. I used to have a very short list of such name - short enough to
keep in my head. But between the acquisition of blackberry and the
onset of short term memory loss, the list has been made electronic. I
can't wait for the day when I can plug electronic devices right into
my brain. Swappable memory!

As a kid, I kept a book log with every book I read and some basic
reactions. It got overwhelming to keep up to date. (I read A LOT.)
It's still kind of fun to look back and see when I discovered
what/whom.

Anyhow, I was thinking that even though I've never quite motivated
myself to finish writing my fiction, I'd probably be decent at writing
my impressions of other people's fiction. I'm thinking of starting a
book review blog. Kind of the opposite of my old poetry blog (remember
that?), which was supposed to encourage me to write. Yes, it's just
one more thing to do, but I need some of those things to be fun, and
think of all the books!

--
Sent from my mobile device

Out of Shape

2010-02-17T07:14:00.002-05:00

I'm trying to find little ways to improve my life, and one of the things I decided to finally get serious about is exercise. I've always considered myself in decent shape, even though I don't have a formal exercise regimen; I walk a lot, and I take the stairs quite a bit. Or at least, I used to. It kept me, if not fit and toned, at least able to handle all my physical exertion without breathing too hard.

But recently, I've become unhappy with my stamina level and with my figure. I'm putting on weight - and it's showing up in places I don't want it to. Isn't it always that way? And it doesn't help that the past few months have been heavy on family get-togethers, which means (a) lots of unhealthy food and (b) lots of time spent with people who are overly focused on weight. I don't really mind if my weight fluctuates. My clothes not fitting bothers me more because I'm too lazy and poor to shop than because it means I'm changing sizes. (Although it does bother me to change sizes. I am vain, but I don't think I'm too bad.)

Last night, I set a reasonable goal for myself: ten minutes of aerobic activity. Two minutes in, I was staring at the clock, hoping that the numbers would change faster. I made it through the ten minutes, but it wasn't easy. Still, that can only be a reason to keep trying.

Snow

2010-02-03T06:50:00.001-05:00

There is something beautiful about being up before the sun. As much as
I hate getting up early, there is something special about those hours
before the streets are overrun with people too busy to appreciate
things like sunsets and pure, undisturbed snow. I was looking forward
to a lessening of the biting cold, having shivered through much of
December and January, and I'm sure that later today, when it's gray
and icy, I'll be feeling differently. But right now, while the world
is still quiet and the snow is still white, there is something
beautiful that makes it not quite as cold outside.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Growing Older

2010-01-28T14:24:00.002-05:00

Wow, it's been longer than I realized. Is it too late to say happy New Year?

I've been rather overwhelmed, emotionally and work-wise. I've been forgetting lots and lots of important things, and I'm being assigned all sorts of tasks at work that I'm not really interested in doing. A year ago, I wasn't enjoying my job, but I was staying because I liked the environment. Now, my job has gotten quite a bit more interesting and I feel like it's pretty decent professional developoment, but I'm not so happy with working in this structure anymore. I'm starting to feel the internal politics too much; I used to be able to avoid that. Politics kills my idealism.

I'm still stuck in my status quo limbo, which is preventing me from making any major changes, like quitting or going back to school (or both). I need to pull myself out of this funk, but I don't see a happy ending for my personal life. While that might give me more opportunities to develop as a professional, I'd really rather have a successful family life. It's interesting how being on the verge of losing everything really does help you feel how much you want something. "You don't appreciate a thing until you lose it." It still doesn't make me want to stay in this situation, though, which may be a good indicator of the direction I should be heading.

Jack

2009-12-22T15:14:00.001-05:00

The last movie I saw in a theater was Titanic. Seems appropriate to make the next one Avatar. What do you think?

Spurts

2009-12-08T07:52:00.003-05:00

I haven't forgotten about anyone, in case you were feeling abandoned. It's just that work has gotten so busy (isn't it that way for everyone who still has a job?), and the only wireless network I can poach from my apartment is currently down, so I have no time to do personal things on the internet. Except when I make time, like now, but I can't do this too often. Slacking off is not considered a positive thing at my office. Shame about that.
But anyhow, I do try to check my Google Reader at least once a month or so. I may never fully catch up, but I'm trying.
In other news, my husband has something that he insists isn't the flu, but looks suspiciously flu-like to me. Hmmm. Also, we're about halfway through this season's scheduled weddings. (Have I mentioned that I was invited to seven weddings in three months? Yup.) Three down, four to go. Also, holidays are approaching. I successfully managed to wrap six gifts. I am being bad and not getting something for everyone this year because I can't think of what to buy for people. My bank would desperately like me to buy Visa gift cards, but I don't like giving money. I like giving things. Things that people would never buy for themselves, but when they get it, they love it because it is so perfect/funny/cute. I'm usually pretty good at it, except for a few boring people who don't like anything fun. For them, I guess I could do the gift card, but I don't want to. I'm always convinced that if I just keep looking, I'll find just the right thing. Good luck to me.

New Moon

2009-12-02T19:07:00.001-05:00

No, I haven't seen the movie. In fact, I don't know that I want to; I
don't like Robert Pattinson, and he's ruining Edward for me. I just
meant that the month has changed. We've reached December. November of
novel-writing glory is gone for the year, and it was a resounding
failure in the writing department. I think I just about made 5000
words, which isn't too bad since I only did three (I think) days of
any writing. But then the post-Nano pep talk came in my email, and I
realized that it was right: if I ever want to do this, I have to write
every day. No skipping days and figuring I'll make up the words
another time. No excuses: every day. And I just haven't had the energy
or the drive to make that happen, which is probably why it didn't.
It's just not a high enough priority. I don't want it enough.
I'm okay with that. I still want to do it, but it's not #1 on my to do
list. Straightening out my life is up there. Everything else pales in
comparison, and novel-writing isn't #2 either. It's probably somewhere
in the top 5, but that's not going to be enough right now. Maybe there
was a time when I could do all of the top 5, but right now #1 is about
all I can handle on top of the normal work and life stresses and
responsibilities. Don't they say "look out fo3 #1"? :)

--
Sent from my mobile device

Of Ships and Shoes

2009-11-10T07:11:00.002-05:00

Well, more like of thoughts and dresses, but anyhow.

There was apparently something wrong with the Gmail app on my blackberry for over a week. I didn't get any emails to my blog account, which surprised me at least a little, although it took me a long time to figure out that something was wrong. I guess I'm no longer completely floored by a lack of blog comments. No offense to anyone out there; I'm aware that I've become somewhat boring, wrapped up as I am in my own personal hell. I'm trying, though to reawaken the more fun parts of myself. But anyhow. I should have been tipped off by the total lack of emails to that account, but since the other Gmail account that I keep open on my blackberry was working, I figured I've just become unpopular. Although maybe I'm just a bit too dependent on my blackberry's infallibility, and really, I should know by now that it's not infallible. This is hardly the first time that it's been bad. It's probably a good thing that I forgot it at the office last Friday and was blackberry-less for a whole weekend.

So all that to explain why I didn't post the dresses till now. Of course I want your input, although the decision has shifted. I know the two dresses are very different styles, and I won't say (yet) which way I'm leaning. Keep in mind that I have six weddings coming up (that I know of) - four are first cousins (one mine, three my husband's), one is my brother-in-law, and one is a close friend. So I've invested in a second dress as well - a seriously-on-sale Ralph Lauren black cocktail dress. Good backup dress. But for the main event:
Choice A: Adrianna Papell Beaded Waist (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3028259?Category=&Search=True&SearchType=keywordsearch&keyword=papell+beaded+in+All+Categories&origin=searchresults). The middle picture (different model) is a better indication of the color.
Choice B: Tadashi Shoji Shutter Pleats (http://shop.nordstrom.com/S/3008458?cm_cat=datafeed&cm_pla=dresses:women:dress&cm_ite=tadashi_shoji_shutter_pleat_ombre_jersey_dress:245977&cm_ven=Froogle&mr:trackingCode=6AFBCFFD-D981-DE11-B712-001422107090&mr:referralID=NA) For some reason, it looks like this one is gone from the website if you search for it, but I found it in brown at Bloomingdales as well.
Voting is on! (Well, not literally. But please vote in the comments.)

The other major November item is Nanowrimo. I'm being bad, very bad. This weekend, I read four entire novels and wrote not one word. I'm trying very hard to force myself to care more, but Nano just isn't occupying the top of my priority list right now. But I'm trying a different kind of story, to help perk up my interest. And I will force myself to write something today. At least a little. Can I insert all my blog posts in my word count?

Ideas

2009-10-28T08:39:00.003-04:00

NaNoWriMo is fast approaching. I'm so looking forward to having a goal to focus on that isn't a major stress. Or rather, it'll be good stress, and the penalties for failure (not that I'm planning to fail or anything) won't be catastrophic. Oh, how I need something to refocus my energies. I've been in a toxic situation way too long.

I'm doing pretty well at finding things to focus on. I've finally found a womens center that offers both Pilates and yoga for really cheap. Of course, I haven't actually made it there yet to try out a class - something always manages to intrude. But my plans are getting more concrete. I haven't decided which type of class would be better, so I figure I'll try one of each and then decide. I don't really know the difference; I'm uneducated like that.

I also have a whole host of weddings coming up - I can think of 5 in the next year. All closely related (4 to my husband; 1 to me, so if I ever make the dreaded decision, we'll be down to one, which is next month). While weddings are now (unfortunately) a depressing subject for me, five weddings in one year makes it easy to justify a really expensive dress. I'm debating between a floor length one and a couple of cocktail length ones - I really think cocktail length is more versatile, but my Cinderella complex really wants me to own a long, princessy dress. I've owned one once in the past, but it got out-dated. Time for another, but I'm worried that the one I picked is too "today" and won't last like the classic I want. Am I going to end up being boring and just buying something black so that I can keep it longer? Anyone interested in weighing in on this major dilemma, email me/comment and I'll send you the links to the dresses I'm considering.

Grad school has been pushed to the back burner; I still want to do it, but it's not the right time. I need other things more than a degree, and I don't have the concentration I would want for school. I still have two years before my GRE score expires, and at least three years left on my GMAT score, so I'm okay with procrastinating this. And work is crazy busy and I'm putting in extra hours (anything to legitimately occupy me with other things than the misery I've made of my personal life), so I don't think it would be too smart to commit to night school. Quitting my job for full time school is still not really a preferred option.

Slowly, slowly, I hope to start feeling more like me. Last night, I watched the Sex and the City movie (Yes, for the first time. Don't make fun of me.), and I was so struck by Samantha's comment towards the end, "Relationships aren't about happiness." I don't want to be Samantha, but I don't think I've got it in me to be Charlotte. Sadly, I think I'm closest to Miranda right now, but at least there was a happily ever after for her. I should probably watch the show now and see how she ended up with Steve. Maybe I can learn something from her about my own Steve.

(Sex and the City isn't really the best parallel for me; I'm still a Pride and Prejudice girl. I'm Elizabeth, and I've married Mr. Bingley.)

Community

2009-10-23T07:05:00.001-04:00

This morning's conductor wished everyone a good weekend and predicted
that "by the time we meet again on Monday, the Yankees will have won a
6th game. The score for the 6th game will be Yankees 8, A's 2." I
wonder if he's right.
And as usual, I love how it made everyone on the train look around and smile.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Fatigue

2009-10-06T07:34:00.002-04:00

It's really weird how tiredness works. I've been incredibly tired, and some of those times, it doesn't matter how much I sleep, the tiredness doesn't go away. I can go to sleep at 9 pm and it doesn't make the slightest dent in my fatigue. And other nights, I'll be exhausted, but not make it to sleep till closer to midnight, and wake up perky and fresh. And then there are the nights that I can't sleep at all. And there are nights when I wake up in the wee hours and relish the "stolen" hours that I get because I can roll over and go back to sleep. But then some nights I wake up in the wee hours and can't fall asleep again and I lie semi-awake, tossing fitfully, waiting for the alarm to go off.

Have I said this recently? I so need a vacation. I actually took off a couple of days this week so that I could recover from the insane workload I've had recently. Very necessary, since I can clearly see that I'm not getting anything useful accomplished anymore. I need to take a break and regroup. Of course, if I could only get rid of all the other stress in my life, I think the work stuff would be okay.

Flip Side

2009-09-22T07:57:00.002-04:00

The other side of the what if game is looking forward: What if I get divorced now? What if I get divorced in six months? What if I decide to hang in there and not get divorced at all? What if I get pregnant? Would I end up happy five years from now if I just told myself: no more being miserable; move on; live the life you thought you were going to live. Forget that the other person in it doesn't fit exactly right. Focus on what does fit, and ignore the rest. Start a family and let your kids become your family focus.

But that's pretty scary too.

Also, it doesn't work. I've tried to tell myself that I'm happy. I've tried to tell myself that I know I'm not happy, but I can get to happy. I've tried to tell myself that it doesn't matter if I'm happy; just focus on the things that I want and need to do for myself. Of course, there's the little matter of paying the bills that comes between me and certain dreams. And the fact that I'm paying someone else's living expenses when I don't really want to creates a certain amount of resentment. Is this about money? Is this just that I don't feel like my husband is pulling his weight? But no - again - if I supported his dreams, I don't think I would mind paying for them. And since I do think that his dreams are good ones, and I do mind paying for them, I'm back on the merry-go-round.

What If's

2009-09-21T10:10:00.002-04:00

I know they say never to play the "what if" game, but I've been doing it occasionally recently anyway. What if I had said no to the very first blind date with my husband? What if I had broken if off after three dates? What if I had said no to the proposal? What if I had broken the engagement the next day? What if I had broken the engagement two weeks before the wedding? What if I had refused to walk down the aisle? What if I had gotten divorced a month after the wedding? The list goes on and on.

A couple of weeks ago, I met an old college classmate while I was shopping. He spent some time telling me about the demise of his most recent relationship, and it was clear that he was lonely. Even after noticing my wedding ring, he still wanted to hang out, and I think it was more for female companionship than for "catching up on old times". I felt a bit bad for him - he was always a nice guy, but never someone I considered close. He's the type who's always a bit on the outside, trying to fit in with one crowd or another, and never quite making it. Always trying to be who he thinks the people he's trying to fit in with want him to be instead of just being himself. It's a personality I recognize because I spent a lot of time like that. It took me a good, long time to become comfortable with who I am enough to not worry about whether who I am will get me a place with the popular kids. I have enough friends to be happy, and I don't need people who don't want me. But it took me a long time to get to that, and I still haven't completely escaped the peer pressure / need to fit in. Social conformance is a huge pressure.

I've changed a lot in the last year and a half. I think that if I'd never gotten married, whether I'd have dated my husband at all or not, I'd have just relapsed into my old life. No growth, no change, no reevaluation of priorities. If I'd gotten divorced early into the marriage, I would have had to come to terms with my new social standing as a statistic and as a divorcee, and I would have been forced to make some changes, but it would have been superficial. I'd start considering dating a wider spectrum of people because the number of those in the old pool who would be willing to date a divorcee is small. But would I have done the soul searching, the doubting long held beliefs? Would it have been better for me, spiritually and more generally, not to have gone through the mental, emotional, and spiritual turmoil of the past many months? It certainly would have been easier - and I'll never know if it would have been better. I haven't come to any new conclusions, so I can't say that the agonizing was worthwhile. I can't say that I've discovered great new truths about myself. I've discovered some things, yes: I've discovered latent issues that might have surfaced in a marriage to another person - and I'll never know whether they would have been issues at all, but it seems likely - and I've discovered that I'm not as strong in some areas as I'd thought I was. As I'd like to be. I've discovered that I'm more vulnerable to temptation than I thought, and I've discovered that the world isn't always what it seems.

Do I wish all this had never happened? Yes. Definitely. The lessons that I've learned are not ones I wanted to learn. But most of them are things I could never have learned any other way. I have to believe that there is a purpose to all this pain, that there is a reason I needed to learn these lessons.

Superquick Update

2009-09-02T08:21:00.001-04:00

Lease signed. Moved on Sunday. Furniture is mostly reassembled, only marginally damaged. Lots of boxes yet to unpack. Car is dead. Commute is by train. Life is still hell.

I <3 NY.

Declaration of Independence

2009-08-26T16:56:00.001-04:00

I always thought I was independent and liberated and competent and all
that - in fact, I thought too much independence was part of the reason
my marriage is a wreck. But now I'm thinking that it's more the desire
for independence, not so much the thing itself. I'm finding that I'm
not as self-sufficient as I need to be right now, when I'm feeling all
alone. It's frightening. So many decisions, and no one even to use as
a sounding board. It's a wonder I'm still even marginally functional.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Moving

2009-08-19T19:30:00.001-04:00

We paid the application fee for the expensive, well-located apartment.
Now we sit and wait three days for approval from the management board.
Almost right after handing over the fee, someone called back about a
different apartment, which we went to see. It's equally well located
(not the same area, but equally served), and cheaper. Also smaller,
but not unbearable. And it has a washer/dryer and central air! I think
I'm going to take that one, even though it's not as fancy or as big.
I consider the non-refundable application fee to the other place as
G-d's finder's fee for this new one.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Updates

2009-08-18T08:05:00.002-04:00

So, for anyone out there who still remembers I exist and was wondering what was up, here are some updates.

Moving: Still no lease signed. We're stuck in the same dilemma that we had two weeks ago (okay and inexpensive, with pleasant landlord vs. better location, bigger, but expensive and with annoying management company), only the top two apartments are now gone, and we're looking at slightly less optimal choices. Well, no. The current expensive apartment is in a better location, but it's also more expensive than the other expensive apartment. The current less expensive apartment is the same price as the other, but not as nice. We have to sign something this week - we have to be out soon!
Work: I think the worst rush is over. We got official project approval from the higher ups, and at least 50% of the contracts are in place. So, while vacation is still a distant dream, overtime may become less necessary.
Vacation: Two mini-vacations (family-inspired), which were good, although not as relaxing as I need. One was with my in-law family, which was less painful than I thought it would be, and downtime, even when not wonderfully pleasant, is still downtime. The other was with my family, which was shorter than the other, so less downtime, but I like the people better. I still need a me-vacation where I get away from everything and enjoy myself, but that's going to have to wait for the resolution of many stresses.
Home: I'm hitting bottom, again. I don't really see any hope, but I'm holding on until I've finished going through all the steps I've promised to take. It's somewhat counterproductive to keep seeing therapists and whatnot when I have almost no hope that they can help - I think one of the tools they use is fanning the flames of hope. Can they help the hopeless? I'm a bit nervous about things, and I'm resentful of some of the advisors I've spoken to who neglected to mention little things like how after a year passes, no-fault divorce gets significantly more complicated, which will impact me much more negatively than hubby, and how moving between states could leave me locked in an unwanted legal marriage long after the actual marriage has died. (Let's face it; it was never really alive. And if it was, it died last July.)
Other: The stresses in my life are currently all-encompassing. I wish I could say I was looking forward with enthusiasm to something - graduate school, NaNoWriMo, magazine articles all seem a thing of a happier past. Looking forward, I see only bills, hassles, and emotional drainage.

Isn't it fun to be me? And to think I used to be so happy with my life and see only joy and success. I've been convinced by people who are supposed to care about me that there must be something seriously wrong with my psychologically, that I'm not the good catch and great person to be around who I thought I was, and that my only hope for happiness is to drastically change myself. And since I still actually like who I am, I'm not so eager to do that metaphorical plastic surgery - or worse yet, frontal lobotomy. I don't want to be someone else. If this is psychosis, I like it. Well, not the miserable, ruined-life part, but the personality, sense of humor, and skill set that I have. I don't want to just axe my personality to satisfy someone else's idea of normal or of "better" - even if it's a lot of someone elses. I want to stay me. And I also want to be happy. Is that so much to ask?

Conspiracy

2009-08-03T23:54:00.001-04:00

More things are going wrong. It's like there's a cosmic conspiracy to
keep me miserable and off balance. Every time I try to make forward
strides in trust or laughing at life's little mishaps, enough things
pile up to somehow push me over the edge, preferably in public. Today,
it was discovering that the cleaners had cut off the buttons on my
jacket (which I had brought along to change into from my regular work
clothes, so I couldn't just on-the-spot choose something else to
wear). That was, of course, after discovering that the correct
accessories, although neatly laid out for he-who-shall-not-be-named to
bring along, somehow did not make it along with the jacket. That was
after the train got stuck in a tunnel, which was after someone brought
me an impossible Excel sheet to figure out and fix in 15 minutes.
Shall I go on, or do you get the point? I hate my life.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Taking a Poll

2009-07-30T13:13:00.001-04:00

The last few days, everything has gone wrong. But I'm coming to accept that.

Other updates: moving is now a definite reality; my husband gave
notice to our landlord that we'll be out in a month. It would be nice
to know where we were going before committing to leaving, but done is
done. The new tenant for our current apartment is already lined up.
Luckily, we do have some options. Who votes for reasonable rent,
location convenient to shopping and trains, onsite parking, and medium
sized rooms? Who votes for a much prettier block with a nicer
population, extra-large rooms + plus an EIK, and significantly higher
rent?

--
Sent from my mobile device

2009-07-02T19:13:00.001-04:00

I just can't take it anymore. I've been sick this week, and it's just
one thing after another. No matter what, I haven't done enough. So why
bother?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Game Play

2009-06-23T18:21:00.001-04:00

Some weeks (or months?) ago, I was sitting on the train on my way to
work when I noticed that the gentleman sitting next to me, who must
have been at least in his sixties, was playing BrickBreaker on his
blackberry. He was at a level I have never seen, and his score was
really, really high. I've been trying to beat my own high score
(forget about getting anywhere near his) ever since then, but I'm not
doing too well.

I'm also having a lot of trouble with newspaper sudokus, which used to
be a snap.

On the plus side, ken-ken is my friend.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Moving

2009-06-12T08:28:00.003-04:00

In a moving-on-with-life-despite-not-really-knowing-where-my-life-is-heading sort of way, I've started rethinking the future. And one thing that I am 100% sure is not in the immediate future is staying in my current apartment in the boondocks. Some of the reasons we're still there are (1) it's far, far cheaper than the rent anywhere I would actually want to live and (2) we didn't have to sign a year-long lease (weird contract thing; once the original lease year ended, which happened in May, our landlord let us keep the place on a month-by-month basis, so basically, if we pay the rent, we can stay, and there's no lease broken if we leave). Also, (3) moving is expensive and hard work, and I just didn't have the energy to think about it. Reasons 1 and 3 are self-explanatory, and reason 2 was important because when thinking seriously about imminent divorce, one doesn't want to be stuck living in the middle of nowhere simply because one can't break the lease. However, I've been convinced that these are not good enough reasons to stay: one can find the money and energy to make a positive change, and if I'm happier with where I'm living and the stress of my insane commute go away, there is the possibility that other stresses will subside as well. Mothers-in-law notwithstanding. And if in the end we do split up, I can either pay the penalty for breaking the lease or just continue to live in the apartment, since at least it will be in a place I'm happier living in.

So I've been looking at apartment listings. I've also been looking at house listings, because one of my favorite things to shop for is furniture (no, not clothes. I'm weird like that.) and to buy furniture, one ought to have a place to put it. I saw the greatest dining room set this week - and so reasonable! But I don't have a formal dining room to put it in. I also saw a master bedroom set that I like much better than the one I bought last year, but my husband likes the one we have, so that's worth something. I couldn't stand the one he picked, so at least we're both okay with the one we have.

Anyhow, apartment shopping is troubling. I mean, I knew that no matter what, I'd end up paying a higher rent than our current rent - no matter which neighborhood we move to, closer to the city is more expensive than the boondocks - but I guess I'm still a little sticker-shocked. No, not sticker-shocked: it's not like the prices are that much more than I was expecting (well, in one neighborhood, they are), but I'm not sure how we can afford to do this. Either we have to compromise on size, or we're literally doubling our rent. We currently have a small two-bedroom, which works great - I definitely need space, or at least doors to close sometimes. Also, the second bedroom doubles as a home office, which is very convenient to have. The apartments I'm looking at ($500-$700 more than our current rent) are all one bedrooms, and that's a good deal. I don't think I could survive living in a studio with another person, no matter who that person was, so a one bedroom is the absolute minimum. A junior four (which is like one and a half bedrooms) would be great. A two bedroom is looking pretty much out of the question. But in this case, location is more important than square footage. But I definitely need a raise.

And a vacation.

I Need Alcohol

2009-06-11T21:20:00.001-04:00

Family party - my husband's cousin is getting married. And I'm finally
starting to get the mother-in-law jokes. My mother-in-law is a sweet,
well-meaning, incredibly loud, annoying, and forceful person. And
tonight, I was all for being smiley and pleasant and utterly
inattentive, but someone seated me next to her. And just when I'm
starting to feel like maybe I can make this work with her son, I'm
starting to feel that she can still kill the whole thing, just by her
blind arrogance at how wonderful she is for introducing her son to me.
Little does she know, and I've always been a fan of keeping people in
ignorance when knowledge can only hurt them. But right now I want to
hurt her, so she'll just shut up. But I know I would regret that.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Practical

2009-06-10T10:03:00.003-04:00

I'm thinking about just being practical. So what if I'm not in love? Who's to say I'd do any better a second time around? The guy I'm married to is a really nice person, and he's crazy about me (or was, before all the therapy), and he's incredibly good with kids, and I can go on vacation with my friends. Other than the core of the marital relationship, which I think is my problem and not his, and which I have no way of knowing if it would be better with someone else.

Ups and Downs

2009-05-28T12:56:00.002-04:00

I love small acts of civic duty. They make me smile; they brighten my day. I try to do them whenever I can. This morning, I saw a woman walking through the subway passage pick up the public payphone that was hanging by its cord and replace it on its cradle. A willingness to risk disease and germs in the name of simply tidying up. She made me smile.

I should stop here, because that's pretty much the only thing I can think of that has made me smile since Tuesday. My eyes are swollen and red - it's been one thing after another. Many were small things - a long line to buy bus tickets when I'm in a rush, the ticket clerk mis-processing my request twice, my work ID locking me out - minor frustrations. Then there were the medium frustrations - my car conking out about a mile from home at 10 pm, my eyes not recovering from a crying fit in time for work the next morning (I hope they didn't think it was a hangover. Although maybe I should start drinking more. I was attributing it to allergies if anyone asked.), my allergies flaring up (yup, the allergies are real). And then there were the big ones: my realizing that just because a therapist says things you don't want to hear doesn't mean that she's a good therapist. Coming out of therapy in worse shape than you went in is only positive if you're making realizations that you've been hiding from and it's leading to fixing the problem. Coming out of therapy hopeless and thinking about suicide is just not a positive thing. On the other hand, she did say some things I knew but didn't want to admit to myself, and she's forced me to face things more head on. I knew that the problem was that I had married a guy who I thought would be a great choice as a father for my kids, but he's not a great choice as a husband for me. We don't connect; we don't value the same things. I think he doesn't value the things that I define myself by: my academic and professional success are not bad in his eyes, but he thinks that I shouldn't define myself by them. Of course, he's right, in a philosophical sense: I should define myself by my spiritual qualities and my role as a servant of God. But I'm struggling right now with all of that, and my professional life is something solid that I can hold on to. I'll admit that his points have merit, but I can't live them right now. Maybe I'm a bad person for not having lofty goals and ideals, but I'm being honest: those things are not giving me any pleasure right now. So the tradeoff is misery now vs. possibly having a harder time juggling kids, work, and home in the future. Believe it or not, it's not a cut-and-dried choice for me: I really don't want a divorce, and there are so many positive qualities that I think I could live with this marriage. I'd be miserable and not love my husband, but I could live with it. God, I am crazy: I just heard what that sounded like: I'm staying in it for the sake of the kids. The thing is, the kids don't exist yet. But somehow, I'm still scared of getting a divorce.

One Damn Thing After Another

2009-05-18T14:42:00.003-04:00

Every time I think I have things down, something new comes up. I think one of the reasons I like reading other people' s blogs is to see how people can focus on little things, be they annoying or pleasant. It helps me focus on the inconsequentials, too. If I stayed focused on the big things, like my boss attempting to revoke one of my favorite perks, the one that kept me in this job despite the miniscule pay (I know, this is a bad time to make an issue about perks; I'm not really willing to quit in this job market), I might miss out on other things. For example: today, I ate hot peppers for the first time. I hadn't realized what the guy meant when he asked if I wanted my sandwich spicy. I said, "A little spicy." I meant barbeque sauce or something. Ooops. But I survived. And while I don't think I'll repeat the experience anytime soon, it wasn't horribly bad.

All My Life's a Stressball

2009-05-11T12:15:00.002-04:00

(with apologies to Harry Chapin)

All my life's a stressball, sunrise and sundown
The moon rose through the nighttime till the daybreak comes around
All my life's a stressball, though I can't tell you why
The seasons spinning 'round again, the years keep rolling by

It seems like I've been here before - too often now to say
And I have this funny feeling my whole life will be this way
No straight lines make up my life and all my roads have bends
There's no clear-cut beginnings and, so far, no dead ends

I've felt this a thousand times; I guess you've done the same
The fear, the disappointment, the hope that turns to shame
I find myself here again and a thought runs through my mind
The stress that's here through my life - the peace I've yet to find

Enough of home stress for this one post. How about work stress? Well, let's see. There's The Project That Won't Die. (Yep, still the same one. Going on three years now.) There's The Project with the Jerky Brakes. And there's The Project with the Impossible Deadlines. Funnily enough, the impossible deadlines are probably going to be easier to deal with than the jerky brakes. Here's to full steam ahead - no wait, put everything on hold - get it finished last week - wait for so-and-so to get back from vacation to make the final decision - get the ball rolling before the decision is made - we can make the decision tomorrow morning, so why don't you set everything up to start five minutes before the final decision? And that's where we are right now. So I finally decide to use my best judgment and try to run things in the way that makes the most sense to me, assuming that a certain person on the team who likes to make decisions but doesn't like to take responsibility or do any work won't actually do anything, so that my plans can unfold. And of course - and yes, I expected this, so I don't know why I'm so angry - that person X has gone ahead and made half the arrangements to do things his way, with no care for the numerous discussions that have gone before. And of course, he only made half the arrangements; he's so-kindly leaving it to me to make sure all the "little details" (like getting all the requisite people to the meeting he's arbitrarily set up) are taken care of. I can't talk to him; he doesn't listen to me. He will talk over me, or at me, or just hang up the phone. And he's never actually at his desk, so I can't really talk to him in person. I wonder where he is all the time when he's not at his desk? I have my theory, but I don't think I should actually put that into writing.

Yes, work stress is definitely making home stress worse. But then again, I used to be able to deal with work stress much better before I had all the home stress. Chicken vs. egg.

Is there a way to get myself off this project without looking bad/incompetent to my supervisor? I just can't work with this guy. Is there a professional way to say that?

Not a Function

2009-05-06T07:52:00.003-04:00

Sorry, that's a math joke. A function is a mathematical expression in which for every x there is one and only one y. A flat line is a function. So are a lot of other curves. I'm not sure about the roller-coaster track that is my emotional state over time; is it possible to have more than one emotional state at a time? I think maybe yes.

Anyhow, more and more flatness in my life. I think I'm bored. Purposeless. Unfulfilled. That's a pretty scary thing for a deeply, actively religious person to say. But I think a lot of my purpose prior to marriage was directed at an important goal: get married. Start the next stage of life. Along the way, there were other goals to aim for: get bachelors degree. Get bachelor. (Sorry; in my world, the pressure to get married is enormous. One track mind kind of pressure.) Get job. Get promotions so that you could support a household on your salary. Get married and start a household.

And then I went and got married, for lots and lots of good reasons, none of which involved love. Sorry to be un-American. Anyhow, that was a turning point: the goal of the previous quarter-century was achieved. End segment. Season finale. It always ends with a wedding. (I miss Chuck! Just thought I'd mention that.) And now I'm at a loss. What's the next step? Oh, the world tells me that the purpose of marriage is to produce babies, and that's well and good, but I'm having enough issues with marriage. Let's not introduce even more little people to the situation. If just getting married is enough to make me want to rebel against everything I've ever believed, what would having a baby do? I won't do that to a child.

So I'm looking for other things to do. When I got married, I moved, and I gave up my graduate program due to the inconvenience of commuting so far. But really, I want to go back to school. That's been on my list of possible distractions from the misery that has become my life pretty much since the beginning. And then yesterday I started thinking about a career change. Maybe I should apply to become an FBI agent or something. It would certainly put some spice back into my life. Just meeting the application requirements would be work - I don't think I'm anywhere near as in shape as I would need to be. Actually, it would be an interesting goal to try to get into good enough shape for that, even if I never bother applying for the job. And of course, there's always sky-diving. Or bungee jumping. What a great outlet for depression - I really could jump off a bridge. It's something I say way too often (generally at least half-jokingly), and here's a real way to make it happen. Definitely something to consider.

Flat Lines

2009-04-29T15:40:00.002-04:00

So, optimism is important, however short-lived it is. If there was never any hope, I'd have given up long ago. Those brief spurts of hope keep me in limbo and prolong the agony. Black and white is so much easier, but life just isn't black and white. It's all grays and browns and occasionally purple and swollen.

Anyhow, I'm back to the old deadness. Not caring. Painful, but I can't really feel it. Oh, I can, but I don't know how to really care anymore. Ah, joy.

Here's hoping that my various smaller frustrations work out so that I can focus full-time on my major problems. Oh, wait, no - I mean: here's hoping that my minor frustrations can overshadow my major problems so that I can keep on living.

Coming Up for Air

2009-04-21T09:42:00.002-04:00

I'm doing a bit better. I've figured out some things about me, and about Y, and about how our differences contribute to our problems. Nothing earth-shattering, but a change in perspective, even if it's small, can do wonders. I've gotten back a lot of that self-confidence that went out the window with my confidence in all sorts of other things, and maybe those other confidences will come back, too. At least there's a ray of hope, and that's more than there's been in a long while.

It didn't really come as a shock to me that the counselors and therapists and clergy and PhDs didn't really contribute much to this processing of introducing hope; I've always known - and all those people will readily admit - that changing perspectives and healing emotions and dealing with difficulty is something one can only do for one's self. It helps to have someone to hold your hand on the journey, and that's what all those support people can do, but they can't do more than that. It's possible that I wouldn't have gotten to this point without them - and it's possible that Y wouldn't have lasted this long if it hadn't been clear that I was doing something. He doesn't understand that some people need more time than others to adjust to things. He sees that as a major psychological problem - the inability to adapt. I do adapt, but nowhere near as quickly as he does, it seems. Emotionally, I mean. In terms of concrete daily changes, I probably do better than he does. But anyhow, all the therapy and whatnot bought me time. Quite literally "bought" - and maybe that was part of it. Or maybe not; I know his mind works differently from mine. I know it would mean something to me to see that someone was willing to invest money in something - put your money where your mouth is. But I don't know if he thinks like that. Probably not.

Anyhow, the stress is far from gone, and the crisis is far from over, but there's a little bit of breathing space. I'll try to get some air in before the surface closes over me again.

Media

2009-03-26T10:26:00.001-04:00

I'd like to thank whoever it was (I think Jes and RR, but I'm on my
bberry and can't check) for recommending Laurie Notaro's book. She's
quite hilarious. At first I was thinking "a female Dave Barry", but
then I realized she's more like Erma Bombeck. I read the first three
chapters on the train, and I was laughing so hard, I kept looking up
expecting the whole train to be staring at me like I was crazy. Not
that I haven't seen crazier things than someone laughing at a book on
the train. Anyhow, the rest of the read didn't have quite the same
effect - not quite as strong a reaction - but still entertaining. So
thanks, you guys! Very cheering.

Also, I've been spending a lot of time on Hulu recently. Does anyone
else think that Joss Whedon's new series, "Dollhouse", has a
remarkable similarity to an old show, I think from around 1996, called
"Pretender"?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Falling Apart

2009-03-19T13:34:00.000-04:00

Falling apart takes many forms. There are the emotional ones, which I've noticed for a while. The social ones are only slowly becoming clearer: I am somehow unconsciously offending pretty much everyone I talk to. I think I'm being serious, and they think I'm kidding. I think I'm being funny, and they think I'm insulting them. I'm starting to avoid people, just so that I maybe will still have some friends left when all this is over and I can behave myself again.

And then there's the last straw: today I walked into a wall. I saw it, I knew it was there, and I walked into it anyway. My shoulder hurts.

Sorry to keep harping . . .

2009-03-09T08:58:00.002-04:00

But it keeps hitting me. Yesterday, yet another so-called "expert" told me (in a polite, round-about way) that my problem is that I'm not happy with myself. Of course, working from that, it's obvious that if I'm not happy with myself, I'm not going to be happy with my life in general. After being told the same thing by so many, I'm forced to consider, yet again, whether they may be right. Here's the thing, though: I always thought I was happy with myself. I like myself, and I'm happy with my abilities and what I've done with them. I'm proud of my accomplishments. I have good, close friendships. I have a pretty decent relationship with my family, and we all come through for each other when it's really necessary. I am very blessed, and I am very aware of that. So what does it mean that I'm not happy with myself? For those of you out there who have been following me for the last three years, do you also think I'm not happy with myself? If so, can you elaborate? (By email is fine, too.)

Okay, and let's say I'm not happy with myself. Let's even say I figure out what that means. How do I then go about becoming happy with myself? Do I sink into selfishness and focus only on the passing pleasures that I can attain? If I focus only on the things that I think will make me happy right now, that leaves out my husband, and that can't possibly be a good step towards improving our relationship. What if what makes me happy is quitting my job, moving to Australia, and completely changing my lifestyle? Where does that leave my marriage?

Or maybe I'm misunderstanding the whole problem. Maybe being happy is not the same as being happy with myself. Because really, how can I like myself if I'm a self-absorbed, obnoxious brat? Maybe doing all those things that I want to do will only serve to give me some sort of shallow, short-term euphoria boost, not real, inner happiness.

I guess it's time to go back to a shrink. Except I've mostly lost faith in their helpfulness.

Worse Than . . .

2009-03-04T15:14:00.000-05:00

Living on the edge, that's me. I've started eating my fruit without washing it. Or my hands. Is that self-destructive behavior?

Anyhow, you know what's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a brown spot *inside* your pear. I've never seen a worm in an apple, but I've seen worm holes, and they're visible from the outside, before you've bitten into it. Today, I bit into my pear, and there was a brown spot inside where there was nothing on the outside. Maybe it means nothing, but I could keep eating it. Although I did continue eating *around* the scary spot. More self-destructive behavior.

Lack of Originality

2009-03-03T13:26:00.002-05:00

I finally joined Facebook, and I have to say, I'm not impressed. (And it's under my real name, so no, you won't find me there.) I'm thinking of deactivating my account. I can't be bothered to deal with the upkeep of yet another thing in my life.

And yet - it seems memes are even more popular on Facebook than on Blogger. I just saw this one on a friend's page on Facebook, and then I saw it on someone else's blog on my Google Reader. Since it's a positive thing about marriage, and I'm trying to figure out ways to be more positive about my marriage, I'm going to do it. Obviously, skipping any personally identifying information.

What are your middle names?
Personally identifying, so no. But I'll say this: he uses his (instead of his first name), and I don't use mine. Ever.

How long have you been together?
About a year now.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Not at all. Blind date thing.

Who asked whom out?
Blind date, remember? It was sort of a mutual agreement.

How old are each of you?
He's 24; I'm 25.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
Not sure. We see his whenever we visit his parents, which is fairly often, but I see my siblings pretty frequently, since I work near one, and he sees my brother all the time; they're in school together, sort of.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Where to start? Maybe the fact that I'm seriously doubting my decision to marry him? Yeah, that's pretty tough on our relationship.

Did you go to the same school?
Nope.

Are you from the same home town?
Not really. But we're both from New York.

Who is smarter?
Tough one. We're both pretty smart. I think I might be objectively smarter, but he has an awesome memory for detail, much better than mine. One day, maybe we'll figure out who's more book smart. I'm definitely more street smart, as weird as that is for me to say. I'm usually the clueless one, but he's even more clueless than I am about some things.

Who is the most sensitive?
We're both sensitive, in different ways. Right now, I feel like I'm sensitive in an understanding way, and he's sensitive in an easily-hurt, needy way.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
Eat out?

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
London. Honeymoon.

Who has the craziest exes?
He doesn't really have any. I still think about some of mine, but we don't really have anything to do with each other anymore. Except the ones who are married to close friends of mine. Awkward.

Who has the worst temper?
Being as I have never seen him get angry, ever, that would have to be me. Although I sometimes wonder if there would be some sort of explosion if he ever did get angry. But I'm not sure that he's actually capable of that depth of emotion.

Who does the cooking?
Me, definitely. I'm getting pretty good at inventing, and I know I can follow a recipe.

Who is the neat-freak?
Again, that would be me. He has some tendencies in that direction, but I'm more OCD than he is, that's for sure. Although one day, if I ever relax in this relationship, if there is still a relationship to relax in when/if that ever happens, maybe I'd relax about some of the OCD stuff, too.

Who is more stubborn?
Oh, wow. Me again. Although he can be pretty stubborn too.

Who wakes up earlier?
Me, although only by a little. I need a ride to the bus stop. We only have one car, and we live in the suburbs.

Where was your first date?
Honestly? I don't remember. Probably some hotel bar. Talking is popular for blind dates.

Who is more jealous?
No one's jealous. At least, I don't think so. I'm not.

How long did it take to get serious?
Not long at all. In fact, it was serious pretty much from date one. We were both dating exclusively with marriage in mind.

Who eats more?
Oh, definitely him. It's like a bottomless pit. I thought I'd adjust, but no, it's still shocking every night.

Who does the laundry?
Mostly me. Sometimes he'll do something if I ask him to. He used to think of it on his own once in a while, but no more. But he does his own ironing.

Who's better with the computer?
Me. I have quite a bit more experience than he does.

Who drives when you are together?
He does. I hate driving even more than he does. Get me out of the suburbs!

Feeling Ornery

2009-03-03T12:51:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've been audibly picky like this. Except for in my carpool home from work, but that's because the guy likes it when I correct his grammar.

Anyhow, I love The Waiter - I read every post; I read the book. I don't like it so much when he does all the PR for himself and his friends, but I put up with it because he's really that entertaining a writer.

Today, though, I was catching up on my Google Reader, and I read one of his posts, where he says, "four pounds of pressure". "Pound" is not a unit of pressure. I'm not sure if he meant pressure or force (in which case, pounds would be fine), but they're not the same thing, and they have different units.

That's all for now.

And yet . . .

2009-02-24T12:04:00.002-05:00

I can't seem to stop worrying and reading into things. If you'll notice, the last few posts were good ones. They weren't "trying to look on the bright side" posts; they were genuine. And yet the underlying misery level is still there. Good girls' nights out, nice relxing weekends, exciting new recipes - and still, no improvement on the "life contentment" front. It worries me.

People Who Need People

2009-02-23T11:12:00.002-05:00

I definitely need to get out more. It won't do anything to improve my baseline misery, but I think it will help my general mental health.

Last night I went out with a neighbor I barely know to a mostly boring event. And I had fun! It was the being out, the mingling with thousands of people I didn't know in a place that I used to think was large and spacious, bumping into one or two familiar faces. It was eating not particularly good food in a setting utterly not conducive to eating, but still enjoying too much dessert without even feeling like I should have eaten supper first. It was being out with the girls and not worrying about Y. It was wonderful. Yup. No doubt about it, I need to get out more.

I Care

2009-02-19T06:40:00.001-05:00

Today, I . . .

- closed the door in the subway station to stop the annoying alarm
sound so that people could have some early morning peace and quiet.
Who says New Yorkers don't care?

- offered to spend my hour of commute quiet time listening to a
colleague vent. Who says coworkers don't care?

- empathized with my boss during lunch hour, when he came by to let
someone know that he had quite suddenly lost a family member who
wasn't even ill. Who says subordinates don't care?

- reprimanded some girls for turnstile jumping on the way home, for
all the good that did. Still, I think it's good for them to at least
hear it and feel defensive. Hey, it takes a village. Who says random
bystanders don't care?

- listened to my husband pour out negative feelings about me, without
really trying to defend myself. Who says wives care?

--
Sent from my mobile device

Relaxing

2009-02-17T08:34:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was just what I needed: a day off with absolutely nothing to do. Of course, it was made even better by being after a nice weekend, also with nothing to do. Yes, I spent some time in the kitchen (my freezer was getting slightly too empty for my liking), but I also spent plenty of time on the couch with old 80's TV and a jar of jelly beans. By supper-time last night, I could literally feel the relaxation in my body. So of course, I ruined it by staying up too late, and today I'm exhausted. But I'm okay with that.

I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed. It's a wonderful feeling. Not quite as good as happy or content, but I can't remember those that well either. I'll settle for relaxed right now. Happy is the goal, but relaxed is what I can manage. Of course, when I think about the status quo, it shakes that relaxation, because of course I wonder and worry how I'll ever break the status quo and achieve feeling again, but I try to ignore that and focus on the things I can handle. I can do this for a couple more months while I try to see if anything can change. I can do this. I can relax.

When did I become an old woman?

2009-02-09T07:43:00.001-05:00

Last night, we had a family girls' night out. We went to see an off-off-very off Broadway show, put on by a group of well-meaning and very dedicated amateurs. The only thing that the play had in common with a Broadway show was that it was once performed on Broadway, many years ago. But it was fun - hilarious, actually - to watch these people take their best shot. Actually, it was pretty good; some of the cast was even pretty talented. And even if they hadn't been, they were all good sports, so the play (which was a comedy to begin with) was even funnier. Those who couldn't properly pull off the part threw in a little something so we all knew it was okay to laugh at their performance; they were laughing at themselves.

On the way home, I was bemoaning how late it had gotten - the play went on longer than anticipated. I never used to think that midnight was late to get home, but now I do. I was wallowing in self-pity - "How am I going to get up in six hours when I'm not even home yet?" - when suddenly it struck me that two of the people I was with had small (or smallish) babies at home, and they would probably be up sooner than I would. Of course, they might be able to go back to sleep, and I wouldn't have that option, but screaming babies sometimes don't allow their mothers to go back to sleep either. I'll try not to feel too bad for myself. But I think I should probably move.

Last night, I saw 12:34. It has always been my favorite time to see displayed on a digital clock, but last night, I wasn't happy to see it. Maybe it'll be better by 12:34 this afternoon. Lunchtime is always good!

Anonymous Me

2009-02-04T13:20:00.002-05:00

Yesterday I took a big step: I joined LinkedIn.

Today I took another big step: I created yet another Google account and started a new blog. If you're worried, know that I do plan to still be here. I also plan to do writing of an entirely different nature there.

Two points to anyone who finds me, but please don't out me publicly. In fact, if you really do find me, pretty please send me a private email sothat I can clean up my traces better.

Deep

2009-02-03T16:10:00.004-05:00

There's a guy I know who keeps sending me interesting links - websites, blogs, etc. And in fact, I find quite a number of them on my own. They're all on similar topics: various people in various states of disillusionment with the system I grew up in.

Guess what - I'm disillusioned, too. The difference between me and them is that I'm too unsure of what exactly bothers me that I can't change anything in my life: I'm afraid of throwing out the baby with the bathwater. I don't feel repressed, but I do feel misguided. I'm angry at the system that may have cost me some of my best years, that has forbidden me to be some of the things I think I would enjoy and be good at, but I don't really blame the people who raised me in that system. I think they believe in it. I don't think there's a conspiracy to make children miserable. I don't even think I was miserable. I was raised to believe that, within reason, you could have it all. I was encouraged to develop my talents, within appropriate forums. And I don't believe that the things I grew up with are wrong. I just don't know if I want to live that way anymore.

The problem with not living that way anymore, of course, is that if I still believe that it's right, how can I not live it? That would be hypocrisy of the highest order, not to mention a risk to my immortal soul. I think too highly of myself to settle for second best, in this life or the next. And yes, I believe in the next world. How can I believe that when sometimes I question my commitment to God? Gosh, do you know how hard it was for me to put into words that sometimes I question my commitment to God? I'm not even sure if that's true - I still believe that most of this is just pain, and that my rock-hard belief is still there, deep at my core. I try to convince myself that I'm not committing a grave sin just by voicing doubt. Is doubt the same as idolatry? I don't think I'm doubting God, but I've never felt this way before, and I don't know how to deal with it.

This blog is my outlet, and yet - I can't talk about this one major issue in my life here, because I'm afraid of identification. Somehow, someone will stumble upon my crisis of faith in a Google search, and that, coupled with all the other details of my life, will lead to someone figuring out who I am. I'm almost tempted to start another blog, completely separate from this identity, just for that venting. After all, I'm not going to therapy anymore. It's insanely expensive, and I don't think it's helping. I'm a rational, intelligent person, and all those things that the therapists say, I already knew. I kept hoping for some kind of deep insight, for someone to say - all those symptoms you describe mean X; this is what's going on, and it's normal - or it's not normal. Someone to say definitively - you can handle this, so stick with it, or - this is impossible, and it's okay to get out. I can't be the first person in the world to ever feel these emotions and to have these questions - and the mass of blogs out there prove that I'm not - and yet somehow, I still feel like I am. There doesn't seem to be any wealth of experience or knowledge to fall back on.

And yes, it's frightening. It's frightening to think that I could be messing up the best thing that ever happened to me, while wondering if thinking that is causing me to miss out on my best years and preventing me from being everything I can be.

Reflections on Loss

2009-01-29T11:05:00.002-05:00

Last night, my blackberry was run over by a car.

I am trying to deal with my withdrawal symptoms. I am hoping I will get a replacement soon. Luckily, it was a business blackberry and not a personal one, so I don't have to deal with actually getting the new one and reprogramming it. Also, I hope that means that everything on it is backed up on a server, so I didn't actually lose anything except a well-loved friend. I have to say, the IT department was quite (morbidly) interested in seeing what a blackberry looks like after having been run over. One guy kept asking, "Are there tire marks?" So for your edification, no, there aren't. Not even on the case. But the screen and battery are totally shattered, and the case is destroyed. I don't think it's fixable. Even a little bit.

As I was debating how I would post this information to my blog while I was blackberryless, a friend of mine returned my phone call returning her phone call. In the course of that conversation, I learned that she had also suffered a loss recently: the old family dog had passed on. I asked about a replacement; she said she thinks not.

Interestingly, another close friend recently lost her cat. Again, I think she's not getting another one, for a very different reason. The friend with the dog used to live on a farm, and the dog was for the cows. They don't live on the farm any more, so they won't get a new dog. The friend with the cat - I don't think she ever wants to go through losing a cat again. I know I never want to go through losing a blackberry again, but that's not going to stop me from getting a new one.

Disclaimer: This post is in no way meant to imply that a pet is like an electronic device. A pet is a living, breathing creature. A blackberry is a fruit. Or an electronic device. I am aware of the difference between living creatures and electronic ones. There is still a difference. Now, who remembers Tamagachi?

@Home

2009-01-26T08:13:00.003-05:00

Yesterday, I was bored. There was no reason for me to be especially bored: it was a regular Sunday. I have Sundays like that pretty much every week. I can't remember what I used to do differently so that I wasn't feeling bored. Maybe it was schoolwork? But it's been a while since I was in school enough for it to be a major time-drain.

Here's what I did yesterday, in no particular order:
Shower
Two loads of laundry: wash, dry, fold
Serve lunch
Trip to Walmart
Cook: meatloaf, noodles-and-cheese
Prepare for later in week: fish, crockpot stew
Read book
Visit neighbor
Phone call to sister

According to my sister, everyone is bored a lot of the time. Just because there are more people in her family than in mine, she says, does not make her less bored. She says she wishes she could go to Walmart.

This morning, of course, I forgot to put up the crockpot. So there goes supper. I guess we're eating the fish tonight, because that shouldn't take too long to cook.

@Work

2009-01-20T16:20:00.000-05:00

Back to the not-really-caring thing.

All Roads Lead To . . .

2009-01-12T09:05:00.003-05:00

There is actually a train of thought here, from the sublime to the ridiculous. I should probably get off this train. I've probably missed my stop by now.

on blogging
I think every blogger I know and follow has moved or started a new blog at least once since I've known them. Why haven't I? Laziness? Consistency? I guess I don't really see a point to moving and starting over on a blog, because I can change directions whenever I want without throwing away all that history.

on throwing away history
Don't think I haven't thought about just running away to Australia or something and never talking to anyone I know ever again. It would probably fix some problems, but it would probably create even more problems. Throwing away everything familiar in my life can't be a good thing; there are lots of good things in my life.

on things in my life
I've been doing a lot of rethinking of priorities. It's a scary thing to question long-held beliefs. I went through a stage in high school where I was questioning all the religious concepts I'd been taught to believe in, but I got through that without losing my commitment to G-d. Now, I'm starting to question a lot of things in a very different way. It's not a question of philosophy or abstract concepts (Is there a G-d? Why do I even care? Is this world real? What does "real" mean? What does it matter? Does anything I do matter?) - that was high school. Now, it's much more hurt and angry. (If G-d loves me, and I do my best to do what He wants, why are things going so wrong? If G-d's plan is right, why can't I feel like I want to follow it?) It's things like - I'm suddenly questioning why marriage is a good thing. Whether I want kids. Whether the lifestyle and level of religious commitment I've always taken for granted has led me to a place where I am having so much trouble being happy.

on being happy
Is it even important to be happy? You can have a full, important life without being happy. Also, what is happiness? Is it a two year old's thrill at balloons and cupcakes for his birthday party? (Happy birthday, A2!) Is it the excitement of being recognized for a job well done? Is it a diamond ring? Is it seeing a clean, ordered home? Or is it dependent on finding "love" in your life?

on love
How do you fall in love? How do you make yourself love someone? How do you convince yourself that things are good and right and worthwhile? What is love?

Is change good?

2009-01-08T13:10:00.002-05:00

Maybe it's turning 25. Maybe it's the time of month. Maybe it's the 6.5-month mark since my wedding. I don't know what's happened, but something has changed. Change is good, right? Well, not necessarily. You see, what's changed is that I've stopped caring. Being miserable means you care. Being miserable means that there is something that would potentially make you happy. But I'm not currently feeling miserable. I'm not currently feeling anything about my life. Resigned? Maybe that's the right word, but that's not really it. If I felt resigned, I'd be able to move on. I'd be able to say, "Okay, I'm stuck, this is my life, let's move on with it and live it." But I can't. I still can't bring myself to take care of all the things that need doing if this is the life I'm going to stick with. So it's not really resignation. It's apathy. I am out of energy and I don't care. I don't know what to do to make things better, and I don't care. I don't care anymore if things don't get better. Is that better than being miserable?

Yesterday I was randomly watching movies on Hulu, and I starting watching "Family Man". Now, I don't like Nicholas Cage particularly (nothing against him particularly either, unlike certain other actors), but I found this movie strangely appropriate for my life right now. I think I should finish watching it today.

New?

2009-01-05T17:32:00.003-05:00

I never imagined that 25 would look like this.

There is so much good in my life. There is so much horror in the world. And neither of those facts makes my challenges any easier to handle.

This week's PostSecret has a postcard that I thought I'd share. I'm praying on some level that this never becomes me, but I'm afraid on another level that it already is. How can you change how you see a situation so completely that it becomes possible to really get better? Is "better" enough? Is getting better out of guilt really getting better? Is getting away any sort of solution at all? If you can't handle the heat, they say, get out of the kitchen. But avoidance doesn't give you coping skills, and avoidance doesn't help you make better choices the next time around. And if you're not going to make better choices, you're pretty likely to end up in a similar (or worse) situation, so is that a better solution than trying to make the current situation better or more workable? But if you're fixing something that you already know doesn't work, won't you always end up feeling that you missed the chance to have something that would have worked the first time around? Why settle for making second best work, if you can have what is truly best? Ah, but does that paradigm of perfection really even exist? Can you have the dream at all? Maybe the dream isn't out there anywhere, and your only hope is learning to make do with what is there. But maybe the dream does exist. How can you know?

I don't have the energy to work on getting better, but I don't have the energy to leave.

This time last year, the world was open to me. I felt alive; I felt like great things were possible. My biggest problem was choosing a makeup color. This year, though, I'm exhausted and I just don't care enough to change things. I made my own choices that led me to this state, and I know that only I can get me out of it, but I don't know which way to turn, and I don't know how to start caring again.

No resolutions for me right now - it's as much as I can do to get through each day without thinking about train tracks.

Updates

2008-12-30T08:05:00.003-05:00

So, my article got rejection. Ouch. Now I have to decide where to send it next. I still think it's good, so I'm convincing myself that it just didn't fit their profile, but someone else will want it.

I officially need a new shrink. I already notified the old one that I'm not continuing with him because I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere. I don't even know where I'm trying to go anymore. Confusion is not a good thing right now.

It's nice to have a break from work. I am only working two days this week. Of course, yesterday my boss showed up in my "other" office and wondered to the people here why I wasn't at work. But he was there when I told him that I was taking my day off on Monday, and he approved it. So he knew, even if he didn't know he knew.

I still need a break from life. I still don't know how to do that.

Yesterday, we went skating with my sister's kids at the Polar Rink. I can't say ice skating, because the rink is not ice; it's some sort of plastic. It's much harder to skate on than ice, because the skates don't cut into the surface and give you some traction or whatever: you're basically standing on dull, rented ice skates on a smooth-ish plastic surface, trying to ice skate. It takes a while, but you get the hang of it. It's much more work than regular skating, though - probably burns more calories, but also hurt my feet more. Or maybe that was just because the skates didn't fit right. Still, on the plus side, the rink didn't melt in the unseasonably warm temperature yesterday.

Among my gifts this holiday season (not that there were that many, but then again, I didn't really buy any, so how can I complain?) was a cookbook. It's so sweet of people to try to help with my cooking education, but don't they know that I live on the internet? Hello www.allrecipes.com, you wonderful site! Mmm, pumpkin bread!

99 Things

2008-12-24T09:24:00.003-05:00

Staying with the theme of positive posts . . .

The list below is stolen from Alynda. For details on anything, just ask. It'll give me more fodder for positive posts.

Things you’ve already done: bold
Things you want to do: italicize
Things you haven’t done and don’t want to: leave in plain font

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland/world.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not (physically) ill.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen an Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied.
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person.
41. Sung Karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkelling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theatre.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served at a soup kitchen
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp.
67. Bounced a cheque.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten Caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Visited the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chickenpox.
89. Saved someone’s life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a law suit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.

Exercise

2008-12-22T16:10:00.004-05:00

Okay, a positive post. Not one depressing or miserable word. Just remembering all the good things about me and the major players in my life.

Y
He's incredibly kind, sensitive, and sweet. He seems to know all the expert marriage advice just all by himself. Last night, he plunged the bathtub drain (don't ask; you don't want to know) and washed all the dishes - including the frying pan! - while I was enjoying hanging out and discussing photography with his cousin, who came over for dinner. And he goes out at 5:45 am to warm up the car so it's not freezing when I come out at 6. He never gets mad at me, even when I get into a bad mood and stay that way for days at a time. He is so patient, and he is always willing to listen. He will do anything to make me happy, and he always remembers to thank me for anything I do, from cleaning the bathroom to cooking dinner.

My mom
She's always there to listen or to answer questions, anything from "why did I get myself into this?" (I don't know, honey) to "can I freeze my pumpkin bread?" (yes). She thinks of fun family things to do so that everyone gets to be together. She is thoughtful and generous and strong, and nothing is ever too much for her. She is my rock, even when we fight. Even when we have these deep philosophical arguments that end in someone saying something deeply hurtful. We always understand each other, even when we don't.

My dad
He's a very different type of rock. Not passionate and tempestuous, like me and my mom, but always calm, always solid. We always understand each other, and he can make me smile sometimes when no one else can. Only he truly understands that fine line between anthropomorphizing stuffed animals and realizing that they're only toys. He's deeply sentimental in a wonderful way.

Why is this exercise making me cry? Never mind, let's go on.

My incredible sister-in-law, N1
I have learned so much from her. When my brother first got married, I said - I will never have anything in common with this girl. Recently, though, I've revised my estimation of her - I thank G-d that she joined the family. This is a girl with the vision to see greatness and the courage to bring out potential. She isn't afraid of what people will say; she dreams and she puts dreams in motion. She taught me that photography could be more than something I think about once in a while; it can be a passion. She taught me that you don't have to be limited by a college degree; you can do something totally different with your career and be a whopping success. She taught me that you can see the pieces of the puzzle and learn to deal with them.

These are the four people that are most intimately aware of the major issues in my life right now, but of course I am grateful for the rest of my wonderful family and for all of my wonderful friends. More on that the next time I need a positivity exercise.

Last but not least, me
I am warm, passionate, creative, giving. I am driven to accomplish, and I try to direct my energies to constructive, good things. I am sensitive to other people. I have deep reserves of strength, and I am learning to tap them. I am honest - with myself and with others - and I can admit when I make mistakes. I am not afraid of hard work, and I am committed to quality in all my endeavors.

Distractions are very temporary

2008-12-22T08:28:00.003-05:00

I should be grateful that I had more than a week without serious, falling-apart type misery. I am grateful for that, really. But it's back. Maybe it is just hormones.

I've just tried typing three different paragraphs to tell you about my day yesterday, and I've deleted them all. I can feel the tears starting to well up, and I'm at work. I hate crying at work. Especially where people can see me. I've cried more in the past six months than I had ever cried before. Actually, that's probably not objectively true, but it feels that way.

I have so much good in my life, and I recognize and appreciate it. I hate that it doesn't seem to be enough to make me happy. Why can't I let myself be happy? And why can't I talk about it, here in the anonymity of the blogosphere?

On a related note, I really need a new therapist. But I am too worn out to look for a new one. Even though my current therapist is annoyingly difficult to get to, and I'm no longer convinced he's a good match for me. But I also don't want to have to start with the situation from the beginning again.

Other Important Things On My Mind

2008-12-15T10:54:00.004-05:00

Just so you know that I don't spend *all* my time obsessing about the miseries of my relationships and future . . .

I've been thinking recently about why I enjoy reading the things I read, which led me to reevaluate what genres I read. For example, I used to tell people that I read science fiction. Eventually, that started being SF/fantasy. Then I moved to pretty much fantasy only, with a little bit of SF thrown in, but no hard SF. And now for some reason, my literary mainstay seems to be [gulp] paranormal romance. How did I move from SF [not girly at all] to romance [epitome of girly-ness]?

So, you can probably blame some of it on my growing up and becoming a woman, except that I don't think I started reading SF till I was through puberty, so no, that's not it. And it's not getting married, either (although that certainly encouraged the habit), because I was reading things that qualified as romance before that happened. But for whatever reason, I'm starting to understand why romance is probably the most lucrative publishing genre. Ah, feel-good entertainment. It's why people my age (and older, I bet) are reading Twilight and watching High School Musical. And loving them.

Anyhow, this all got me to thinking about what divides SF and fantasy. I read somewhere once (I hate not knowing who to attribute things to. I usually remember, but this time I don't. Asimov, maybe?) that good science fiction takes the world as we know it and changes ONE THING from something that is to something that could be. If you change too many things, it ceases to be believable as science fiction because it is no longer recognizable to your audience. That single change can be anything - and sometimes it is so huge that it changes many, many other things - but the fundamental difference is only a single point. The easiest example is space travel. It could be that humanity will perfect space travel and be able to establish colonies on other planets. Of course, that would then affect government, social structure, family structure, relative chronology, and a host of other things, but it wouldn't affect fundamental human relationships. Or, taking things the other way, AI (or Catherine Asaro's EI, which is cooler IMO) would change fundamental human relationships - because now humanity is not the only force to be reckoned with - but it wouldn't change the physical constants of the world. And of course, there's hard SF, where you can do away with gravity, or change some other fundamental physical law, and leave all the rest alone. Sometimes there can be two changes - eg. space travel and AI - and we allow that because these are such familiar themes in SF that things are still recognizable even with both changes. So maybe the ONE THING rule isn't hard and fast, but still. You change something from what is to what could be.

I would extend that to fantasy to explain the difference: fantasy takes the world as we know it and changes one thing from something that is to something that couldn't be. Regular American high school kid discovers vampires in her school. Regular American high school kid discovers an ability to do magic. Random citizen bitten by a werewolf. Fairy princess cum LA detective. Or - world-changing: Earth *isn't*; some other world *is*. Then, usually, you end up with a very Earth-like feudal system or something out of the Middle Ages, because that's the most fun period to base things on and because the people usually end up being very human, but there's no technology, so you need medieval "technology" for them to survive.

Hmmm, maybe I've discovered another thing to blame on engineering school. Once I had enough science in my real life, I stopped enjoying reading about interesting and unusual/impossible science. Fantasy is still fun, because it is still great escapism. And romance? Who knows. I guess there's still a part of me that likes the could be.

It's Complicated

2008-12-15T09:13:00.003-05:00

Why? Why does it have to be so complicated?

Okay, so to start with: confusion is not synonymous with misery. You can be not-miserable and still confused. I've been not-miserable since Wednesday. Sometimes, things are even positive-looking. But I'm still confused. Because even when I'm not miserable, I'm remembering the times when I am miserable, trying to figure out what happened so that I'm not miserable now. And also, even when I'm not miserable, I'm still not happy. Not even content, necessarily; just able to cope and to see that maybe there is hope for future contentment. And I don't understand how I can be going from one extreme to the other like that, and I don't understand what is different about the situation. Because I want it to work, so that I don't have to ruin my life. I want my life to work. So if I understood what was wrong when I was miserable and what was right when I'm not miserable, that would go a long way towards figuring out a good way to move forward. But I don't know what changed, not specifically. I mean, I know that on Wednesday, I said, "To heck with everyone else's needs; I'm doing something that I want to do however inconvenient it may be to others." And it felt really good. And it wasn't totally thoughtless, because there were some people who were helped by what I did, and the rest didn't seem to mind. So it wasn't really that inconvenient for anyone; I think everyone had a good time in the end. And if I got hope incredibly late, well, I haven't been sleeping much recently anyway. I really do need to sleep for more than 3.5 hours a night. This isn't funny. I'm too young for insomnia.

I thought of taking a week off from the shrink this week, but I'm not sure if it's a good idea. He should see this side of the situation, too. Because he seems to think that I've made up my mind and I'm just not willing to take the next big giant step. But that's not it: I genuinely can't make up my mind. Because the misery is not a constant. It's just very, very frequent and long-lasting. But if I take coming to the end of my rope as a sign of something, then what does it mean when I'm right at the end, losing my grip on reality, and someone comes along and gives me the strength to recover and go on? What is that a sign of? That I should keep going? That things will get better? Or that I'm doomed to live the rest of my life on the edge of total misery and basic okay-ness? Basic okay-ness is still not good enough, but I have to think that if right now there can be basic okay-ness, then maybe in the future, there can be more. And if that hope is still there, then how can I give up? Because giving up is not a guarantee that anything better will come.

Another one you may want to skip

2008-12-09T15:38:00.002-05:00

I don't have the answers. I don't even have the questions, and frankly, if I knew the questions, I'd be much more likely to find the answers. But this is too important to give up on. Right? Right. I don't have the energy and I don't have the stamina and I don't want to do this anymore, but I have no right to give up. I can't say that just because nothing's worked till now and I'm burned out with all the wrong directions and incorrect solutions I've been trying, because that's just a cop-out. I have to keep going until I know with confidence that there is nothing left to try. And I'm not there yet.
I just spent over an hour talking to someone who was on the other side of what I'm going through now. And she didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but I guess hearing it gave me more of a commitment to keep going. I should tell her that; it would make her glad to know that her input was helpful. She reiterated to me that maybe the burnout isn't because there's no hope of a solution; maybe the burnout is only a sign that the well-meaning and well-educated people who are advising me right now are giving me totally the wrong approach to dealing with this. I haven't agreed with them that they've identified the fundamental issue that is causing all the pain, so their methods of trying to correct what they think the problem is aren't working because they're addressing symptoms, not the root cause. And I have to remember that. And I have to stay focused. And I have to get help from someone else if this continues even one more day, because no matter how insightful my current adviser seems to be, I've been in status quo for way too long, and all that insight hasn't seemed to improve anything and maybe it's tme to go to someone with less insight who will simply answer the questions I'm asking instead of telling me to ask different questions. Because I think I am asking the right questions, and I know myself better than anyone, and if I think that this is the root of the issue, then it is. Even if it isn't, because the whole situation exists only in my brain, so if I think it is, then that is the reality.
And she was also right that I have to stop beating myself up about making a bad decision and someone learn to trust myself again, because if I can't trust my decisions, then I can never make another decision. And if I can't do that, then I can never fix the current situation, and I'll be stuck in a draining, unhealthy status quo forever. I can't take another drastic step without confidence that I'm doing the right thing, so I just won't ever take another step. So somehow, I have to regain that trust in myself.

Another Annoyance

2008-12-08T08:24:00.002-05:00

Why does it seem like my life is out to get me? It's one thing after another. I must have done something pretty horrible, but I really can't figure out what that was.

They're redoing the office space in my "telecommute" location, and they've moved everyone upstairs to temporary space. It should only be for less than two months, but we all know how things don't necessarily run on schedule. Anyhow, they worked out workstations for everyone in the temporary space, but I guess that I was sort of an afterthought, because I'm not officialy assigned to this office. On Thursday, the guy organizing the move was all, "Oh, yeah, that's right, we have to move you, too," an dhe showed me a spot in the temporary space. It was a corner behind the intern, but it would at least have a modicum of privacy (because of course there are no partitions or walls in temporary space). When I got in this morning, I have the absolutely worst spot possible: right in the middle of everything, facing the IT guy (who has his back to the wall; I have my back to the aisle and everyone across it. Which means that the whole world can see my computer screen.) It's bad enough that I can't see anyone, but it's worse that they can all see me. Also, it means that all my stuff is out in public, so everyone can see where I keep my purse and wallet, and it means that I have to think fifteen times before I push my chair back, because maybe someone is walking by and I will hit them. I hate, HATE being exposed like this. There is no way I can put up with this for two months. I guess iti's my own fault for not being here on the day of the move (Friday) to ensure that I actually got a spot that I could work in. Why does the IT guy (who's never here) rate higher than I do? It's almost enough to make me want to go to my main office every day. If hey're trying to make me feel miserable and unwanted, they're succeeding beautifully.

Also, they wouldn't let me use the regular computer that I had been using until now, so I have to use my laptop. Of course, that means dragging it along with me when I go to and from each office, which is yet another annoyance. If they want us to carry our laptops, why didn't they buy lightweight ones? But also - they brought my laptop from my other office, but they left the carry case there. So how, pray tell, am I supposed to lug it around? In my purse?

As if I needed more annoyances at work.

Update: Okay, so the IT guy was using someone else's workstation; they didn't put in any spot for IT. So I don't rate below IT; good to know. (And in case someone's going to get insulted, I don't think IT is a low-rate job. My unhappiness with ranking below IT is due to frequency on site: the IT guy comes maybe twice a month, while I'm here for at least part of the day most of the week. So for a guy who's never here to get a better spot would mean they really hate me.)

I will totally understand if you skip reading this one.

2008-12-03T08:23:00.002-05:00

You know, I was saying yesterday how some people have real problems, and theirs are objectively worse than mine. But I'm not sure about that. The two-year-old who watched his parents get killed? Extremely, unbelievably traumatic, and not something I would wish on anyone. But no one is going to blame that kid for messing up his life and traumatizing himself. He is clearly a victim of something horrible and evil, and there is no way it is his fault. Similarly, the people who are left after anyone dies - does my aunt think she could have done something differently so that my uncle would have lived longer? Frankly, it's a miracle and due to her amazing support and care that he lived as long as he did. The man had been sick for about thirty years! In a way (although I'm sure she doesn't feel that way right now), it's probably a relief for her: he's no longer in pain, and she's no longer his caretaker. Not that her life is about to become a bed of roses, but I think maybe it just got a little bit easier. I know that sounds irreverent and unfeeling, but it isn't. Of course I'll miss my uncle and of course the whole thing is terrible, but is it unremitting tragedy? Is there anyone who will feel guilty because if they had been different or done something else, the situation could have turned out differently? No. Firstly, G-d decides when it's someone's time to go. But also - everyone did everything they could, exactly right. When a sick man dies, there's no saying, "If I had been more understanding, he would have recovered." Understanding of what? Better at what? His kidneys wouldn't have started to function just because someone sat down and said, "I understand what you're going through. I'll help you start working again." It just wouldn't work.
Me, though? I'm dealing with a situation where I honestly believe that I did the right things for the right reasons, but somehow it didn't come out right. So of course there's that little voice at the back of my head that says, "You should have been more aware/alert/sensitive. You should have seen the signs. You should have known and done something different." And of course, that makes it impossible not to second-guess. Did I really do everything right? Or did I willfully not hear what people were trying to say to me? Did I ignore cues that might make me look bad or think badly of myself, and by doing so embroil another person in my own issues? Did I let my pride stand in the way of the right thing? I don't think I did, but I'm hardly an objective observer. So there's always going to be that guilt: maybe if I had done something differently, I wouldn't be in this situation. Maybe I would have had the courage to not get involved in the first place, or maybe I would have been able to focus on the good and not end up miserable. Maybe I'd be happier. And then there's the question of: what's the right solution, and will taking drastic measures to solve the problem actually accomplish the intended goal, or will I just end up more miserable, but miserable differently. I'm starting to think that if everyone is saying it, it must be true: maybe I really do prefer pain. I've heard that some people need pain to remind them they're alive; maybe that's me. I've often joked that I'm a masochist; maybe it's true. In that case, do I subconsciously guide myself into the situation most likely to cause me greatest pain? But by now, I'm at my breaking point. I can't handle this much longer. I have too much to offer to be stuck in a dead-end situation. I am worth more than that.

I'm Drained

2008-12-02T17:45:00.003-05:00

Emotionally, physically, metaphysically, what have you.

Last week's four-hour heart-to-heart went probably as well as it could have. The problem is that it doesn't seem to have changed anything, at least for me. A lot of people (many of whom, I should note, have never met me) think that it's my own subconscious that isn't letting me be happy. I somehow want to fail and be miserable and hate my life, so I trap myself in a situation that will make that possible. I don't really agree with that opinion, but maybe I'm just not willing to face the truth. The thing is, though, I am willing to face the truth, no matter how painful, because this situation is more painful. Truth at least has the benefit of being truth. You don't have to dig through mounds of garbage if you've already found what you're looking for.

I've taken all the advice and made myself vulnerable in a lot of ways in the hopes that it would change something. The only thing I'm pretty sure I've succeeded in doing is making someone else more unhappy. While it's important for that person to know what's really going on, a part of me says that making the problem worse can't be the right way to find a solution. But I'm doing it on expert advice, and I have to believe something. I've done enough second-guessing of my actions.

Work is not helping the situation: the people I work with are energy sinks. One is passive-agressive, as in I hear nothing from him for two weeks and then suddenly he's yelling at me about what did and didn't happen for the previous two weeks. Um, where were you last week? Where were you yesterday? The other is a control freak and very . . . sensitive? I'm not sure what the right word is. She takes everything very personally, and she seems unable to ever admit that she might be wrong. Her twisting everything so that it seems like all the bad ideas and mistakes are mine and all the good ideas are hers is annoying, but I could handle it. But the emotional rollercoaster is not something I'm equipped to deal with right now.

And of course, the world is full of bigger tragedies and more difficult situations than my own, and I try to keep things in perspective. I got an email from someone who knows the brother of one of the hostages killed by terrorists in Mumbai. My mom's brother just passed away. Some people have real problems. The thing is, though, that mine seems pretty real, and knowing that there are bigger problems out there just doesn't do it for me anymore. Yes, a two-year-old child witnessing the cold-blooded murder of his parents is a far worse situation than anything that's happened to me. But the very real possibility of everything that I ever thought about my life falling apart feels pretty tragic.

I'm scared.

2008-11-25T17:19:00.002-05:00

I don't know what I really want to do or how I want things to fall out. I only know that I have to do something.

Wish me courage and clarity and help in finding the right words.

On writing

2008-11-24T08:17:00.005-05:00

I'm really annoyed at myself, but I don't think I'm going to win Nano this year. I was so proud of myself last year, and I had such high hopes, but those are pretty much dashed by now. I'm not even at 25K, and we're less than a week from the end of the month. I probably could do it if I spent the whole Thanksgiving weekend writing, but frankly, I think I need the vacation mindset more than the satisfaction of winning Nano. So yeah, I'm disappointed, but I have to be realistic about my priorities. Besides, I have no idea where I'm going with the story.

Anyhow, the month is not a total wash with regards to writing. One day last week, I got an email from the magazine that published my article back in June. A form email that said that they are going to be publishing more frequently and they are actively soliciting freelance writers. So I wrote another article for them. I'm now debating if I should send it to them or try another magazine that probably will pay better and publishes even more frequently, which means they are even more likely to welcome freelance writing. Although a weekly magazine probably has real staff columnists, so maybe they don't need freelancers as much. But anyhow, broadening my options. My mom says that I should just write another article and thus submit something to both magazines. Which is a great idea, but I don't know what to write about most of the time, and besides, what if I send the wrong article to each magazine. I have read both, but not frequently enough to really know what they are looking for specifically.

I was also thinking that if I would just write more frequently in my journal, maybe I could stop seeing the shrink. Originally I went to him to get guidance in how to deal with things, but it seems to have become more of a venting session than anything else. If he's not actually helping me to change my attitudes and/or understand the situation better, why am I spending all this money? A notebook is way cheaper, and just as effective an outlet. In some ways it's better, because I can reread a journal and figure out if I am still saying the same things or if I am changing. Whereas with a shrink, I don't know if anything has changed unless he tells me his impression, and I'm not finding him particularly helpful.

Update 11:30 am: Well, article submitted. I went with the magazine that is published less frequently but that I have already sold an article to. I'm not really in it for the money right now, and I'd rather stick with the sure-er thing. If only all decisions could be made that easily.
Also, I'm inching my way to 25K - I have almost 2000 words this morning alone, and I still have a scene that I haven't written. Hope is not all dead, just mostly dead. (With all dead, there's only one thing to do: go through his pockets and look for loose change. But mostly dead is slightly alive.)

Any Takers?

2008-11-20T09:15:00.003-05:00

I'm thinking about asking for some Nano help. Not such nano-help, though: what I'm asking for would be something that I usually get mad at work people for asking. It's like this: there are ten more days to National Novel Writing Month. I'm not even at the halfway point of my word count yet. I have no idea where my story is going. So I'm thinking of asking for a volunteer to read it, comment on it, and maybe give me some ideas on where to go with it (or let me know that it's a total piece of garbage and I should just shoot myself now). Of course, since time is limited and I need a minimum of 29,000 more words, I need this feedback pretty fast. Like, two weeks ago. Not to worry, I have some of my own ideas; it's not dead yet. But I don't know how it should end.

Also, I haven't actually decided that I'm willing to risk having someone read my writing. But on the off chance that I actually do decide that, would anyone even want to?

While I'm asking for major decision-making help, any advice on health insurance? I've narrowed my options to two plans. One would give me awesome coverage for things like my out-of-network shrink, although at some point I'm hoping to learn how to cope with my life on my own, but if something major, like hospitalization, happens, I would end up paying probably all the way to the out of pocket maximum. The other plan would give me free maternity care (although any other kind of hospital care would probably bring me to the out of pocket maximum). No, I'm not pregnant, but it's possible that it could happen within the year. There's almost no chance of needing both the shrink and the maternity care in the same year, though. Still, paying for the shrink is much more affordable than paying for maternity care. Any opinions? (Yes, of course I left out a whole host of other considerations.)

Good News and Bad News

2008-11-18T07:05:00.003-05:00

You can label each statement as one of the above.

1. My bus is sitting in traffic. It looks like I will be late for work.

2. I finally figured out something to do with my Nano plot. It may entail a bit of rewriting.

3. I had an interesting series of revelations about my life and how I feel about it. Now I just have to get it sorted out on paper and take it to the shrink. I'd like to be done with the shrink, but I'm not sure I should give up my outlet. How Carrie.

4. I'm trying to figure out more ways to do things I enjoy without hurting anyone. It's harder than it sounds.

Update:

5. It's snowing. And to think I almost didn't wear my boots today.

Status Quo

2008-11-13T11:11:00.001-05:00

Not doing so great on Nano. I'm making progress, but I'm slipping on
the word count, and I was already behind. I must make time! This is
important! Almost as important as planning tonight's supper. The
chicken is ready, but what goes on the side?
Work is getting to be closer to manageable. Thank heavens. I don't
know what I would do if this pace kept up much longer. Of course,
today might be only a temporary reprieve, but I'll take it. The
excitement and emotions of the past week and a half have burned me
out.
On another note, Jes pointed her readers yesterday to the tale of a
super-hopeless unrequited love. I started reading it. I wasn't as
riveted as it seems she was, but I'm giving some thought to telling my
own tale of pain and suffering. Somewhere else, more anonymous even
than here. It seems that people actually read these things, and it's
good catharsis. So, maybe.

I hate being boring

2008-11-09T16:07:00.001-05:00

But such is my fate in life. At least right now.

So, today I did just under 1000 words for Nano. Not nearly enough,
considering how little progress I've made. Only three days so far that
I've really done any writing.

On the accomplishing side, I made tuna mousse (for the freezer), salad
(for supper), and prepared a gigantic beef stew for the crockpot
tomorrow, which should have sufficient leftovers for the freezer. And
I'm going to make spaghetti to go with the meatballs tonight. That's
progress towards replenishing the freezer, which has become a major
focus of my life. I measure success by how many suppers are ready in
the freezer.

I drove to and from the library today - go me! One day I'll be brave
enough to go all by myself. On the highway. The dream exists; all that
I need is motivation. And boy did I have motivation to hit the library
- in a fit of kindness/madness, I agreed to babysit for my nephew this
afternoon. And I had nothing to read. Plus, I wouldn't make it to the
library tomorrow, and I'm stuck at home all day Tuesday. And yes, I
have serious Nano catchup to do, but I can't do that nonstop. But now
I have some mind candy in the house, and all will be better in the
world.

Back to work tomorrow!

And again

2008-11-06T21:14:00.000-05:00

Two days in a row of having to really work at work. Two days in a row
without managing to steal a few minutes for my Nano novel. That means
that tomorrow I have to wake up early - because I have enough that
needs to be done to take up the time I would normally be awake, and I
can't let three days go by without any writing. It makes me feel sad.
Luckily, next Tuesday is Veteran's Day. It's one of my favoriter
holidays, because so few people are off. It's a day that's all mine.
And I think we all know my plans for the day. Although my freezer's
emptying, so I might have to spend a little time replenishing it.

Six Figures

2008-11-05T08:44:00.002-05:00

You'd almost think I was doing NaBloPoMo, not NaNoWriMo, the way I'm updating so frequently.

Anyhow, today the five-letter word "OBAMA" got a six-column headline in the NYTimes. Six column headlines are reserved for major historic events, like the moon landing, WTC collapse, or the election of the first non-white US president. I was reading the NYTimes over someone's shoulder this morning on the train, and I noticed how they said that people of all races and ethnicities - black, Asian, Hispanic, biracial - are rejoicing in the election of a black man as President. It got me thinking, and it bothered me. If biracial is considered a race/ethnicity all its own, as suggested by the article, wouldn't our new President-elect fit that category? (Actually, though, I sort of like the African-American description for him, as he is exactly that: half African, and half American.)

Anyhow, a truly historic event. I've been reluctant to get political out here, so I won't change that now. Let's just say that I'm starting to feel like I need to pay more attention to the world of politics, at least for the next four years.

More Little Things

2008-11-04T18:59:00.001-05:00

on Nano
I got a decent amount done today. Not brilliant, like yesterday, but
decent. And there are little idea monsters growing in my brain. Maybe
we'll make it another day. One day at a time. That's become my motto
for so many things recently.

on decisions
I finally ordered the canvas prints of my photos. It's a hefty chunk
of change, so it better come out good. I am a little nervous.

on feelings
Still can't figure them out.

on being right
Even when give in and accept your word, you're still left feeling a
bit uncomfortable with the whole thing.

No Plot? Yes Problem

2008-11-03T07:50:00.004-05:00

It's November 3rd. So far I have started two "novels" and written about 1500-2000 words for each try. The first was back to my old standby fantasy world, the one I have been trying to write a novel about since back in eighth grade. Since that project doesn't seem to be meeting with all that much success, yesterday I decided to try a non-fantasy novel stemming from some recent events in my own life and trying to make that into something fun. Not working so well. So, on this third day of November, I sit here trying to think of a third plot, one that will hold my attention for at least the next 28 days, so that I can write something that I can be proud of. Or at least, write something.

Any ideas?

Update (4:07 pm): And . . . we're off. I have no idea what the plot will be or even what the genre is, but I have a main character, and she is doing things. I can't wait to see where she goes. In the end, this may be even more rewarding than getting my eighth grade fantasy finally written. I have 3535 (isn't that a nice number?) words, and I think I'm going to stick with this one.